Dodgers Can’t Afford NLCS Trip Due To High Payroll, Will Forfeit Season
LOS ANGELES- After defeating the Atlanta Braves 3 games to 1 in the National League Division Series, the Los Angeles Dodgers have announced they will be unable to compete in the National League Championship Series due to insufficient funds.
With a $220 million payroll, the Dodgers have exhausted their bank account and have no money left for another series of baseball, forcing them to forfeit the rest of the season.
“Our payroll costs so much, we have no money left to travel or host any NLCS games,” Dodgers owner Stan Kasten said. “In fact, I had to sell Nick Punto for a few bucks just to pay for my cab ride home.”
With the Dodgers’ forfeit, Major League Baseball announced the Braves will advance to the NLCS by default, shocking many Braves fans. Atlanta resident and die-hard Braves fan Greg Hampers claimed, “I had no idea the MLB even had another round of playoffs. The Braves end their season after the first round every year, so I just assumed…”
After negotiating countless 3-year deals for unacceptable amounts of money over the past eight years, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti knows exactly where all of the team’s money goes. “When we already have $200 million going to our roster, it doesn’t help we continually pump $20 million into our disabled list every year… COUGHMattKempCOUGH!” Colletti said angrily.
Colletti continued, “Plus, we spend another $20-million-a-month just to feed Juan Uribe.”
The Dodgers high payroll not only affects on-the-field expenses, but off-the-field expenses as well. “I don’t think he’s realized yet, but we’ve been paying Vin Scully with Werther’s Originals for the last five years,” Colletti said.
Money issues are nothing new for the Los Angeles Dodgers. The team has a long history of mismanaging money. In 2011, the team filed for bankruptcy. In 2006, the team gave Juan Pierre a $44 million contract, and in 2008 the team held a “Free Money Day” at Dodger Stadium.
“Yeah, the “Free Money Day” didn’t go as well as we hoped it would,” Colletti admitted. “I mean, we set an all-time attendance record that day, but did we expect to lose millions of dollars and dozens of fans’ lives that day? No. Things got out of control fast.”
The Dodgers’ most-notable owner, Magic Johnson, said he lets the other owners deal with the financial situations of the team. “I can’t handle that stuff. Not yet, at least. There are other things I need to learn about owning a baseball team before I can get my feet wet with those details,” Johnson said while carrying The Rules Of Baseball For Dummies book under his arm.
In these hard financial times, the Dodgers have resorted to clipping coupons, pouring water in their bathroom soap dispensers when they get low, and not giving $10 million dollars a year to players like Carlos Marmol. They have also cancelled the team’s annual Christmas party, which was scheduled to be held at the Arizona Diamondbacks’ pool.
• • •
This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff
And also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats
