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Denver’s Dilemma

This is a battle only constructed in Hollywood. A battle of good versus evil.¹ A battle of youth versus maturity. A battle that can only be determined by putting on uniforms and running full speed into other men. That’s right, the battle between Tim Tebow and Kyle Orton has gotten out of hand and it’s time to do something about it.  Nevermind the fact that both of the men like and respect each other. This is war!

First of all, we’d like to thank the citizens of Denver for making such a big deal out of this. Without you, we’d actually have to pay attention to tight races for baseball playoffs, Tom Brady’s ridiculous statistics, Michael Vick’s return to Atlanta, or anything else that is clearly more boring than the dilemma the Bronco fans find themselves in.

So here’s the question… should the Broncos go 7-9 with a veteran quarterback or 4-12 with a second year quarterback? Decisions, decisions!

So I’ve decided to help Denver’s Head Coach John Fox out with a little thing I learned in a “decision making” class in college (yes, that’s actually the name of a class- I walked away with an A and learned that decision making is all about making decisions. And no, LeBron James did not teach the course so you know it’s legit.)

Also Note: Even though Tebow is listed as 3rd on the depth chart behind Brady Quinn, no one is even hinting at wanting Brady Quinn to start. No one even notices he exists. Classic middle child syndrome.

Kyle Orton

Pros

  • More accurate quarterback
  • He filled in the big shoes that Rex Grossman left behind in Chicago
  • Better partier than Tebow (proof)
  • His teammates actually want him to be the starter

Cons

  • You will sell less Bronco themed WWJD bracelets if he is your QB
  • Creepy pedophile beard (see picture)
  • There is a good chance he will be confused with a homeless man and will not be allowed to enter the stadium
  • Fans might stop coming to the games if he is your QB for much longer
  • Better partier than Tebow

Tim Tebow

Pros

  • A plethora of potential nicknames that are cool and/or holy
  • Coupled with Brady Quinn, the Broncos will be dominating the “our quarterback has huge biceps” category (an important indicator of a franchise’s success).
  • There’s a good chance the Pope would become a Broncos fan
  • Your fans would finally shut up so we can watch football

Cons

  • He’s never won a significant game as an NFL quarterback
  • His throwing motion is slower than Terrelle Pryor’s brain
  • He makes Alex Smith look like Tom Brady (sorry Niners fans, it had to be said)
  • He’ll change the locker room playlist from Metallica and Nickleback to Third Day and Switchfoot (that could be a pro depending on your feelings about Nickelback)
  • It’s pretty clear that John Fox has a tough decision on his hands.

¹- I do not, in any way, think either of these players is evil.  I’m just ready for the controversy surrounding a sub-500 team to be over so we can pay attention to things that are actually entertaining.²

² – This was my first footnote on Korked Bats (which makes this my second one)

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This post was written by Bryce. You can follow his musings about sports, life, and #whitegirlproblems on Twitter: @brycestuck

And also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow us, Korked Bats, on Twitter: @KorkedBats


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