Dear Andrew Luck
Dear Mr. Luck,
Although we’ve never formally been introduced, my name is Mel Kiper. I’m the large forehead man who has been singing your praises on television for the last 12 months. In case you didn’t know, I’m kind of a big hair deal. Basically my job is to watch a lot of football and then tell NFL teams who is going to to be a solid pro at the next level. “But what about when you get it wrong?” you may ask. That’s the best part, no one holds me accountable!
For example, I claimed Jamarcus Russell would be one of the top five quarterbacks within three years. I compared him to John Elway for crying out loud! Even though I thought Oakland should go with Jamarcus Russell instead of Calvin “Megatron” Johnson, my reputation never took a hit. Somehow I’m still “the draft expert.” Is it the hair? Is it my slightly feminine first name? Is it the small cameo appearance I had in the film Jerry Maguire? I wish I could tell you what spell I hold over people. Either way, I’m going to milk this until it runs dry my friend.
And that’s where you come in. You’re the next chosen boy. Teams have been tanking since week 1 (or in the Cincinnati Bengals’ case, trying really hard to win) this year to have a chance to draft you next year. We’re going to have to watch12 more weeks of Matt Moore in Miami and Curtis Painter in Indianapolis because of you. So enjoy it while you last. Soak up the interviews. Feel free to take some plays off, heck, take some weeks off. You could literally not play another down this season and still go number 1 overall. Why? Because I say so. And people listen to me. I Mel Friggin’ Kiper!
Don’t be alarmed if I compare you to John Elway as well. I’m only doing this because you’re both quarterbacks out of Stanford. And because I’m not that good at comparisons. To be honest, I only compared Jamarcus to John Elway because… Well…. I actually don’t have a reason why I did. Heck, I should’ve compared that tub of lard to Grimace from the McDonald’s gang. Even Ryan Leaf thinks that guy was a bust. And speaking of busts, he has a bigger one than Pamela Anderson. What a fatty.
Anyway, you have nothing to worry about. I already talked it over with [Todd] McShay. We’re going to argue about you and whether your worthy of the number one pick or not for a couple of weeks. Then around mid-February, we’re going to agree and just turn ESPN into the Andrew Luck Channel. You know,what used to be the Tim Tebow Channel and before that the Brett Favre Channel. It will now all be yours. You’re my Simba. I’m you’re Mufasa. Only with much better hair.
And I’m not going to get stampeded over by a bunch of wildebeests.
However, all of this comes with a catch. That’s right. Welcome to the big leagues Simba. Nothing is just given to you anymore. It’s like the old saying goes, “I scratch your back, you put your shirt on and pay me back.” I have a favor to ask of you.
Could you introduce me to Mark Zuckerberg?
Now I know what you’re probably thinking, “Mel, I’m the quarterback of a Pac-12 Football team. How the heck would I know that nerd, Zuckerberg?!” And to that I say, “First, you’re the quarterback of Stanford. A really nerdy school. That’s like bragging about being the first chair trumpet player in the band. Newsflash, you’re still in the band, dweeb. Plus, I saw The Social Network. I know that they moved out to California near Stanford. Because remember that scene where Sean Parker first discovers Facebook? He was at that Stanford student’s place. So I’m sure he lives, like, across the street from you.”
So, can you?
I need to meet him because I think there is a glitch in my Facebook profile. No one is writing on my wall, accepting my friend requests, or poking me. I just want to be poked. And I know people are probably wanting to. I mean, as I said earlier, I’m Mel Friggin’ Kiper! So, I don’t want to rid people of that opportunity. Not to mention, I would have sent this all to you in a Facebook message or chat, but that glitch seems to have blocked me from even viewing your profile anymore. Weird, right? I know.
So, hopefully we’ll be able to be Facebook friends again. And hopefully soon, I’m actually about to create and event for a pre-NFL Draft pre-launch pre-barbecue party that my wife is putting on. I’m gonna invite you, if Zuck could fix this glitch. Anyway…
Remember, you scratch my back and I’ll put you number one overall.
I’ll ttyl. Lol!
LYLB – Love ya like a brotha’!
Mel
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