Saturday, July 13, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Dear America, I’m Sorry

Dear America-

Hey what’s up? It’s me, Austin. It’s been a while. I haven’t written you since last summer. You remember? It was right after the Confederations Cup final. I was so happy for my country and wanted to show my pride for this great land to the world, and got a little carried away. I started bragging when America went up 1-0 in the finals. USA’s soccer team was playing out of their minds. Pulling upset after upset to reach the finals. And then they had a one goal advantage over Brazil. I felt as like we were more invincible than Vince Papale.

However, I got ahead of myself. Tweeted. And wouldn’t ya know it? Brazil came back in the second half, scored two goals and won the Confederations Cup. Almost everyone I know blamed that American loss on me. Which is understandable. It’s never over till it’s over.

Well, here we are 8 months later.

Time for the Winter Olympics. We are in the final days of the games and it’s time for the hockey medal playoffs. America played Canada a little over a week ago to help with seeding for the tournament. Of course, our country came up huge and dominated those maple leaf loving mounties from up north and ultimately got a number 1 seed into the tournament.

So without question, to put this in a hockey movie scenario, I felt as if Team USA was Team Iceland and Canada was Team USA. Confusing? Maybe. But if you have watched Mighty Ducks 2 as much as I have in my life, then you are right there with me.

Team USA may not have been (in the words of Averman) bigger, faster, stronger and have more facial hair, but they were better (as proven in the first match-up). But then, to make a long story short, their head coach went out for ice cream with our blond girl. While out for ice cream, their Fulton and Dean Portman found them and spied on them. This lit a fire amongst the team and they won every game from there on out.

So to be brutally honest with all of you, it wasn’t even my fault. That’s how the movie played out, which made it only necessary that real life would play out that way too.

However, I do realize that I wrote that post about how bad Canada sucks at hockey a little too prematurely. I should have waited. But let’s be honest, we were all (and by all, I mean the few thousand people who even watch hockey in this country) so proud that America beat Canada at their own game. Could you really blame me?

I love America more than most things. Especially more than Canadia. So any chance I have to poke fun at them, I’m going to take. Sure, in this instance it came back to bite me in the butt. However, I say, we each won one, so let’s go best of 3. Or if they win again, then best of 7.

Anyway, I’m here to apologize and I’m doing a pretty crappy job of that. America, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I jinxed our team from winning the hockey gold medal. It would have been epic. I’m sorry that after writing my post about Canada sucking at hockey, the entire Canadian hockey team logged onto Korked Bats, read it, and went out and dominated their way into the finals to play us. I’m sorry. Alright?! What more can I say. If you guys will help to fund it, you can ship me off to Fiji to live for the rest of my life.

And as for Canada… I’m sorry also.

I’m sorry you will always be inferior to America in every way shape and form outside of an ice rink.

America for life!




Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


One thought on “Dear America, I’m Sorry

  • Avatar
    March 5, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    We forgive you… Eh.


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