Saturday, April 13, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Deandre Hopkins Getting Cut Has Made Me Irrationally Emotional With Hopes For A Future That Will Never Happen

Hello, my name is Austin. And I’m addicted to my team signing probably past-their-prime wide receivers.

GROUP: Hi, Austin.

It all started about ten or so years ago when the Tennessee Titans signed Randy Moss. For the first time in my life, the Titans had an elite athlete lining up on the outside to catch passes. No offense, of course, to Derrick Mason, Kevin Dyson, and everyone’s mom’s favorite player, Drew Bennett. At that moment, I felt the Titans had arrived. They had finally landed a big-name free agent. However, after eight games (only four of which were started by Moss) and six catches for 80 yards, it was apparent that the big name meant very little. But as time went on, the Titans would sign Andre Johnson, which again got my hopes up again. Then they signed Julio Jones, and by that point, the addiction had crippled me.

And now, here I am again, standing on the street corner, scratching my neck, asking any passer-byer, “You got any washed-up wideouts?”

Now look, is Deandre Hopkins washed up? Personally, I don’t think so. But then again, I felt the same way about Julio Jones. Apparently, the power of the two-toned blue is stronger than my personal feelings. If a fringe wideout signs with the Titans, they will not produce near the numbers they had previously. It’s just physics.

But despite all of that, I don’t even think the Titans could make it work financially. The Titans had $11 million sitting around BEFORE the draft. And they now have to sign all of their rookies with that amount. Deandre made $27 million last year alone. So, yeah. It’d be like asking Dave Grohl if he’d be cool playing guitar in your band for your gig at the seafood restaurant near the airport where you can pay him twenty bucks and a free bucket of beers for his services. He’s probably gonna say no. Especially when you have much better teams who have way more to offer him. Like we know how this movie is going to go, right? He’ll sign with Bills or the Eagles or the *sigh* Chiefs. The rich will get richer. And this Titans team will be left entering the season with the cast of Little Giants at wide receiver. No offense of course. To the cast of Little Giants.

But hey, it’s fun to imagine what it would be like. Even though if the Titans did sign him, Deandre would probably have far less success than he did in Arizona and certainly Houston. But hey, the first step of having a problem is admitting you have a problem, right? And I have a problem. Please sign Deandre Hopkins and give me joy for the first time since AJ Brown was traded.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.