Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Days of Our Lives

So yesterday, Philladelphia Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard signed a $125 million, 5 year deal contract extension. Since there isn’t an adjective in the English language to describe how unbelievable that is to me, I’ll put that into perspective by crunching some numbers with my old TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator. You know, the ones we had to buy once we made it to algebra in middle school and used to play games on like Phoenix, Uncle Worm, and Nibbles? [Side notes: 1) Pathetic screen shots, I know. 2) If you have no idea what I’m talking about then you probably were born before 1980.]

Anyway, here goes. What exactly is $125 million?

$25 million each year.

$68,493 per day

$154,321 per game

$40,584 per at bat

Yadda, yadda, yadda. I’d keep going but I was up all night trying to beat my high score on Nibbles and now the batteries in my calculator are dead. But you get the point. The guy is loaded. So, it made me start to wonder. What is it like to have that much money? What do you do on a day off? So I decided to compare a day in the life of Ryan Howard to a day in the life of myself.

Ryan: Wake up in the master suite of a mansion to the sound of his stunningly beautiful girlfriend cooking him breakfast.
Me: Wake up in the same house I’ve lived in since I was born to the sound of my dog licking himself.
Ryan: Picked up in a stretch Hummer to drive him across town to visit the doctor for a few shots (if you know what I mean).
Me: Still lying in bed. It’s only 10 for Pete’s sake.
Ryan: Off to his private gym after lunch at the Palms.
Me: Probably driving home from lunch at Burger King (I got some pretty good coupons the other day) and going the long way so I don’t have to pass the YMCA and feel guilty I haven’t worked out in numerous years.
Ryan: Sneezes and wipes his nose with with not one, but 48 one hundred dollar bills. He does this every time he sneezes so that he can relieve his nostrils and make it rain all in one motion.
Me: Sneezes for the 99th time today because this off brand Claritin just isn’t getting the job done. I then walk to the bathroom and break off some toilet tissue to wipe my nose with. Kleenexes are expensive.
Ryan: Demand one of his 8 servants to dust and polish his numerous All-Star, Rookie of the Year, and MVP trophies.
Me: Dust off my own rec league trophies as I procrastinate writing an article for Korked Bats.
Ryan: Take a 30 minute shower under a gold plated faucet and try and figure out which Versace suit to wear tonight.
Me: Hope nobody else in my house of 7 is using the bathroom and that we still have some hot water left. After which I will try and decide what Polo to wear so I can at least seem somewhat financially sound.
Ryan: Dinner at Ruth’s Chris.
Me: Dinner at Subway after I find two people to go with so we can get the 3 subs for $12 after 4pm deal. (Fantastic deal by the way.)
Ryan: VIP party at the hottest club in town.
Me: You kidding me? I’m already home for the night. There’s nothing to do in Brentwood, Tennessee when all your friends are over 3 hours away having an awesome time in college.
Ryan: Private helicopter ride home while receiving a back and foot massage.
Me: Dose off in my massage chair that often hurts more than it soothes while watching this week’s episode of “60 Minutes” I DVR’d.

It’s kind of scary how similar our lives are.

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