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What’s Eating (Dan) Gilbert?

On the night of Cleveland Pro Sports Armageddon Thursday night, free agent LeBron James decided to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers to play with the NBA All-Star Team Miami Heat. Only a few hours later, a very heated Cleveland Cavliers owner, Dan Gilbert, made two very great decisions.

  1. Write a letter to all Cleveland Cavaliers fans promising hope for the future
  2. Write said letter in the always enjoyable Comic Sans font.

For those of you who missed Dan’s letter, we have it right here in it’s entirety. Enjoy:

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….


Dan

Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers

Wow. Looks like someone was upset with LeBron leaving and it wasn’t Betty White. However this wasn’t the first draft of Dan Gilbert’s letter. Fortunately for you, Korked Bats has obtained his first draft and we’ve decided to post it for your enjoyment.

Dear Cleveland, All of Northeast Ohio, Parts of Southern Ohio, recently converted Pistons fans, Anderson Varejao, and any other people that hopped on our helpless bandwagon when we drafted LeBron-

…More like LeBron Lames. Am I right?

No, but all joking aside, this sucks. I mean, what a douche! We drafted him, gave him a place to play, gave him a place to lay his head to rest (on roadtrips), and we gave him Shaq, and THIS is how he repays us? By leaving to play in Miami?

I just feel like Rob Schneider from The Waterboy. All I want to do is shout out, “Oh no! We suck again!” But that would probably affect ticket sales. So I won’t.

If you guys want refunds on your Nike “Witness” shirts you can have your money back. Because let’s be honest, the only thing we “Witnessed” was LBJ choking every postseason. Year in and year out, he choked harder than Pierce Brosnan in Mrs. Doubtfire.

Mrs. Doubtfire was such a great movie. Robin Williams was hilarious. I really liked the scene when he was cooking and his fake boobs caught on fire and he was totally like: “Talk about hot flashes.” I LOL’d so hard!

Anyway, back to the self proclaimed “Chosen One.”

Cavs fans you have nothing to worry about. We will hopefully move on. You know how I know? Because I am going to do all the things I should have done while LeBron James was still with us. My goal is now to put together a championship basketball team. Don’t ask me why that wasn’t my goal before The King left, because I don’t know.

He left for a better team, warmer weather, and hotter women. Yeah, like all those things are cool. Cleveland is the epitome of cool! We are home to the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame… What is cooler than that?!

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die together.

Well, trust me. You have to die. Hopefully, for LBJ, he dies a slow and painful death. Kind of like how my fellow Clevelanders are slowly and painfully dying of boredom. Heck, I’m a Christian and I learned in church that you can only get to heaven through Jesus Christ. And I know LeBron doesn’t know Jesus, because he definitely did not do what Jesus would. W.W.J.D., Bron Bron!

In fact, LeBron, if you’re here, then who’s watching hell?

Burn! Roasted!

Long story short, LeBron is a giant poo-poo head. He bobs for apples in the toilet. His ‘This Is Sportscenter’ commercials are stupid. His shorts are so long, they look like capris.. women’s capris. He constantly smells like bug spray. He dances like Elaine Benes. Kobe Doin’ Work was a much better movie than More Than A Game. And the only place he is the king of is “Pee Your Pants, Suck At Basektball And Kiss Boys On The Lips Land.”

Cleveland, we will win succeed do OK without him.

Signed,

Dan

Dan

Danny “Dan Dan” Gilbert

Majority Owner and Kick A$$ Friend

Cleveland Cavaliers

P.S. Delonte West DID sleep with your mom… And so did I.

This was the front page of Cleveland’s 'Plain Dealer', calling out LeBron James for being in Cleveland for seven years and winning no rings.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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