“Damn Alligator Bit My Hand (/Arm) Off!”

Who says what happens on the big screen can’t happen in real life?

This article comes from ESPN.com courtesy of the Associated Press:

BEAUFORT, S.C. — Officials say an alligator bit off part of a golfer’s arm as he leaned over to pick up his ball at a private South Carolina course.

The man, who is in his 70s, was retrieving his ball from a pond when the 10-foot alligator bit him at Ocean Creek Golf Course in Beaufort County. The gator pulled the golfer into the pond and ripped off his arm in the struggle. His golf partners were able to free him.

Wildlife workers killed the alligator and retrieved the arm in the hopes it might be reattached.

The man has not been identified. He was being treated at the Medical University of South Carolina, but officials there would not release any information about him.

A call to the golf course was not immediately returned.

Copyright 2009 by The Associated Press

However, this story is leaving out a lot of details. This is how the story should have been written:

BEAUFORT, S.C. — Officials say an alligator bit off part of a black golfer’s hand as he leaned over to pick up his ball at a private tournament down in Florida.

The man, who in 1965, hooked his ball in the rough down by the lake when, out of nowhere, the damn 10-foot alligator popped up and cut him down on his prime. The gator pulled the golfer into the pond and ripped off his hand in the struggle. His golf partners were able to free him. Then the man dove back into the lake to tear one of that bastard’s eyes out.

Wildlife workers killed the alligator and retrieved the hand. Unfortunately, the hand will not be able to reattached. The man will now have a wooden prosthetic hand, real sturdy.

The man has been identified as “The Next Arnold Palmer”. He was being treated at the Silver Acres Rest Home, but officials there would not release any information about him. When we asked if we could trouble them for some information, they said we could trouble them for a warm glass of shut the hell up.

We later received word that the man died shortly after putt-putt by falling out of a window.

In all seriousness, this is a very serious subject and we hope that this man can get his arm reattached, fully recover and that he does as best as possible.

Everybody loves a good Happy Gilmore reference!