In honor of it being the day after America’s birthday, I thought it’d be fun to honor a great 4th of July tradition: Competitive eating.
Granted, these competitions happen all year long, sometimes just amongst you and your friends, but the biggest one of the year always falls on July 4th.
So, to honor this American tradition, I want to rank the top 5 foods that need to enter the world of competitive eating.
1) Peanut butter. This would be more than entertaining, this would be life-changing. Peanut butter is not just bad for you, it’s what they use on TV to make dogs look like they’re talking.
2) Jolly Ranchers (the candy, not happy farmers). A group of people trying to make their way through as many hard candies as possible in an hour is one of the funniest scenes I can imagine. Just try and picture it without laughing.
3) Crab Legs. These damn things taste so good, but you have to work hard for that meat. This brings it to an entirely new level of competition. It’s next level competitive eating.
4) Fruity Pebbles. This is more just me doing all of the competitive eaters out there a solid. Every time I eat Fruity Pebbles it becomes a competition to see if I can finish a box in one setting. This is an event that every American, young and old, male and female could get behind. Fruity pebbles are delicious and they’re so small you could eat like a million of them.
5) For the finale, there should be a competition where we give a group of 3rd graders three different ingredients each, and whatever they end up creating is what people have to eat. There’s a lot of possibilities here, and honestly I just think that it’d be a great reality TV show. That’s all I’m saying. I want to host it too. We’ll call it: “3rd graders suck at cooking.” TLC, I hope you’re reading this.