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Colts’ DB Julian Blackmon Becomes The Next Doofus To Publicly Claim He Knows How To Tackle Derrick Henry

When will they learn?

Gotta love the 6-foot, 187-pound defensive back claiming he has the key to taking down the most feared running back in the sport. And on top of that, you gotta love that key being “it’s a want-to thing.” Right. Because no one else before has “wanted to” tackled Derrick Henry. Got it.

Look, I don’t want to clown the guy. Afterall, he is the 2017 Heart of Dallas Bowl MVP. But the dude needs to know his role. Why is this second-year, skinny-ass defensive back becoming the spokesman on taking down a human building? My man is so thin, he should be more focused on taking down a well-balanced breakfast.

Very few teams in the NFL have figured out how to slow down this speeding freight train, and yet, this former Utah Ute knows whats up apparently. That’d be like crash test dummies claiming they know the secret to stopping the wall.

I mean, sure, we all audibly vocalize how we stop a serial killer when we watch slasher movies, but we’re not then employed to go out and do it. Julian is. And now he has to find a way to stop the Fred Kreuger that is Derrick Henry before he haunts his nightmares forever.

When it comes to Derrick Henry, you always go low. But not in the way everyone thinks: because it’s the best way to tackle him. Wrong. There is no best way to tackle that wooly mammoth. You just have to know it’s not going to end well, like hugging a cactus, dating Taylor Swift, or going to strip club with Pacman Jones. The reason you always go low is because when Derrick inevitably stiff arms you into the turf, you don’t have as far to travel.

Just ask Alexander Myers. He tried going high and ended up getting stuffed through the earth’s crust, through the mantle, and into the core of the earth to the point where we now call him Alexander Magma. And lest we not forget when Derrick sent Josh Norman hang gliding without a kite.

All I’m saying is tackling Derrick Henry is like Fight Club. You do not talk about it. Because everyone who has before has ended up on their ass – and most of the time, out of football.

Remember Earl Thomas? He tried opening his mouth about how other teams just didn’t want to tackle Derrick Henry. But his team was different. Lol. Then we all know what happens next. Derrick spins him around, turns him into a lead blocker, double taps him in the back, instantly gets him meme’d online, caused forgetfulness to the point where Earl forgot to turn off his geotags on SnapChat, which then got his wife to catch him cheating on her with another woman… AND HIS BROTHER, was then held at gunpoint by his wife and oh yeah, hasn’t been back in the NFL since.

So Julian Blackmon, I’d suggest keeping quiet. Unless you really love your brother.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


2 thoughts on “Colts’ DB Julian Blackmon Becomes The Next Doofus To Publicly Claim He Knows How To Tackle Derrick Henry

  • Avatar
    April 30, 2022 at 9:46 am

    This didn’t age well did it, Austin?

    • Avatar
      June 2, 2022 at 7:07 pm

      What are you talking about? Henry slapped the piss out of Blackmon. I heard he hit him so hard he looked like a ghost and now he goes by Julian Whitemon.


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