Clint Dempsey: American Hero

America and England have been in constant competition with each other ever since we decided that we didn’t want to pay their taxes anymore, and soccer is literally the only area where they’re still ahead.

But this past weekend, right before our very eyes, that all changed.

This past Saturday, American soccer player, Clint Dempsey, became the first of our people to score a hat trick in the European Premiere League.

This is a monumental accomplishment not only because three goals in any EPL game is impressive, but because on Saturday, we as a nation took a big step towards taking soccer from the English.

I know that you’re thinking, “But Chris, we’re already better at everything than England, why can’t we just let them keep soccer?” I’ll tell you why, friends.

We need to take soccer from England to get out of the economic recession. Hear me out.

Let’s use England as a case-study for this theory of mine.

England, A Case Study:

The people of England don’t have a lot going for them. They’re pale and sound like they have food in their mouths when they talk. But, they get on as if everything is fine because all they care about is their precious little football clubs.

Soccer is the life-force of every human being in England. It’s what they think about before they fall asleep at night, and it’s what gets them out of bed in the morning. They can’t live with out it. They’re addicts, junkies even, and they’ll chase that dragon wherever it leads… even if it means traveling abroad.

Exhibit A: The World Cup. 

The last world cup was in South Africa. South Africa is approximately 10,000 miles away from England, but that didn’t stop those crazy hooligans from getting into airplanes and making the trip. They couldn’t help themselves because they’re addicted to the stuff.

What resulted, was the economy of South Africa being instantly boosted, Nelson Mandela became president of Africa, and I’m pretty sure that AIDS got cured too… well, at least white people AIDS.

Look, I’ll have to check the facts on that last part, but the point remains: The economy was stimulated.

And we already have the stadiums and infrastructure to support major sporting events, which means that soccer money is all profit, baby. $$$!

What else do you need me to tell you? If I was reading this in front of a live audience, this is the part where I drop the mic and walk off stage.

Dammit, it feels so good to save America.

Listen to me, friends. If we all do our part, we can create a better world for our children. Not my children, I don’t  have any, and I’m pretty sure that all of  mankind will be sterile by 2025, but for those that are already here, I have a dream.

A dream that they shall see with their own eyes the day when America takes soccer and makes it her own thus saving ourselves, and, by default, the world.

Preach on, Brother Clint.

And everybody said…Amen.

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This post was written by Chris. Follow his flawed theories on Twitter: @realchrisnester

Also, follow Korked Bats on Twitter for up-to-the-minute sports jokes: @korkedbats