Christmas Games

Hello, fellow Korked Bats enthusiasts. First and foremost, I would like to wish all the Gentiles a Merry Christmas Eve. For everyone else, happy your holiday too.

The holiday season brings with it a tradition of sports. Family’s get together, eat ungodly amounts of food, and they watch sports as one unified group of blood (and law) relation.

Traditionally, the winter holiday season is associated with football. This time of year is especially known for the many mediocre college bowl games that occur between now and the fist week of January. But when my families get together, there are other games that I look forward to. Games that only occur during this magical time of year. Games that no one else knows about and that I always win.

One Chris Nester classic is primarily a spectator sport, but don’t let that turn you away. It’s a holiday game among families all around the world, whether they realize they’re playing or not.

The name of the game is:  “See how fast your uncle gets drunk.”

After many years of practice, I have mastered this particular game. The rules are as follows:

Goal: The goal of the game is to get your uncle passed out drunk, on a couch or other flat surface, in the least amount of time.

Rule #1 – You are only allowed to encourage your uncle to drink, but not to physically interfere.

Section 1-A: You are not allowed to add alcohol to your uncle’s drinks.

Section 1-B: You are not allowed to physically hand your uncle alcoholic beverages unless personally requested. In this scenario, see Rule #3.

Rule #2 – If the punch bowl finds itself empty, you are allowed to refill it using the proper mixing proportions.

Rule #3 – If your uncle asks you to get him a drink, you may oblige, but only once per hour.

Rule #4 – The competition begins as soon as you are both in the same household.

Rule #5 – Your only competition is time itself.

I have a personal record of watching my uncle pass out after being there for two hours… dinner hadn’t even been served yet.

And yes, this game does work just as well with aunts, cousins, siblings, parents, and grandparents. I’ve been known to play several separate games at one time.

At first glance, this game may seem dark to some, cruel even. But just to alleviate any concern, I came up with a system of penalties to keep myself and other competitors in check. Also, they’re going to get drunk anyway, so we might as well make sport of it, right?

Minor Penalties include: Serving your uncle a drink more than once per hour. Excessive encouragement of alcohol consumption, and using improper proportions when refilling the punch bowl.

Infraction of a minor penalty  results in: Having to insist to your uncle that he drink some water. There’s also an encouragement penalty of 1 hour where no consumption-encouraging is aloud.

Major Penalties include: Physically adding more alcohol to your uncle’s drink, and unsportsmanlike conduct.

Infraction of a major penalty  results in: Forcing your uncle to drink two glasses of water, an encouragement penalty of 2 hours, and a service penalty of 2 hours where, even upon request, you are not allowed to bring your uncle a drink. Fines of up to $50,000 have also been known to be issued for Major Penalty infractions.

So this holiday weekend, maybe step away from the football and try out a new holiday “sport.” I think you’ll find it to be quite entertaining, and if you beat my record, I’ll mail you the trophy.