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Carson Wentz Wants To Know If You’ll Sign His Yearbook

It’s senior year. You just got back from spring break in Daytona, Florida. You arrive to school on that Monday, with nothing major of note left on the school calendar aside from Senior Prom and graduation. You are in full-fledged senior slide mode. When all of a sudden the imbecilic and somewhat brain-dead quarterback of the football team shows up in your homeroom asking if you’d sign his yearbook. And quickly you realize it’s strictly just a not-so-subtle ploy for him to show off his new senior photos.

“Pretty sick, right? The photographer told me it was his favorite session of the day,” Carson confidently boasts.

But real talk, what is this? I’d be embarrassed for a 19-year-old to take this photo, let alone a grown-ass man. This is a professional football player, not some all-county honorable mention teenager who works part-time at Sonic… at best! At worst, he looks like an overbearing dad who lives a little too vicariously through his son and gets aggressively violent whenever his son screws up on the field. “Why’d you drop that pass, son?” he asks while clenching his fist like that Arthur meme. Tim McGraw in Friday Night Lights would say this dad needs to take it easy. Do the Commanders really think that dropping this photo will make fans of The Football Team Formerly Known As The Football Team feel better about this godawful trade? Because if I’m a D.C. native, I’m feeling worse about it now. It’s one thing to have liquid poop leaking on you while you’re watching your team, but it’s an entirely different thing to have to watch liquid poop AS your team. And right now with this Great Value Prince Harry under center, that’s what they are. Liquid poop. As a Titans fan, one of the worst days this offseason came the day the Colts agreed to trade Wentz out of the division. Just a brutal Titans moment. Only slightly more brutal than losing to the Bengals in the divisional round. So I’m sure Commanders fans felt the same way when they received Wentz.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is just don’t take senior photos outside of senior year.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin