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Thursday, March 28, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Baseball’s Unwritten Rules, Written Down

Baseball's Unwritten Rules 2

Major League Baseball fans constantly hear about the game’s unwritten rules, or common courtesy in the game of baseball. For centuries though, no one has taken the time to write these rules down, making them written rules of baseball, just so, you know, we have a guide or something. I mean, if you have rules written down, they’re a lot easier for players and fans to follow.

So that’s why we at Korked Bats took it upon ourselves to write Baseball’s Unwritten Rules down.

These are baseball’s unwritten rules, written down:

  • If you’re a pitcher on an off-night, you must wear a team hoodie, sit on the top dugout step for the entire night, either chewing on a fingernail or occasionally saying something to the guy next to you.
  • If you step on the pitcher’s mound and you’re not a pitcher, you will instantly have bad luck. I mean, you saw what happened to 50 Cent.
  • If a throw from the outfield is late, it’s because Yasiel Puig didn’t hit his cutoff man.
  • If a throw from the outfield is on time, it’s because Yoenis Cespedes.
  • If a rule needs fixed, baseball will get around to fixing it in 25 years or so.
  • If the home team’s player up to bat has a full count, the fans must stand, get really loud and try to rattle the away team’s pitcher, even though it might make the home team player nervous, causing him to strike out.
  • If you’re not superstitious, you’re not a baseball player.
  • If a pitcher is pitching a no hitter, don’t pay any attention to him.
  • If a pitcher is Brian Wilson, don’t pay any attention to him.
  • No hitters are like Fight Club in the sense that the first rule is you don’t talk about no hitters.
  • No hitters are also like Fight Club in the sense that neither ever involve a San Diego Padres pitcher.
  • Never steal a base when your team is winning in a blowout, because it’s rude.
  • Always steal signs when your team is losing in a blowout, because F it.
  • No one understands the new home plate collision rule, and no one ever will.
  • Don’t date during baseball season. (For example, in 2009 Matt Kemp was single. He hit nearly .297, had 34 stolen bases, and 101 RBI’s. He won a Gold Glove Award and a Silver Slugger Award. In 2010, Matt started dating Rihanna. He played in 3 more games than his 2009 season, and his batting average dropped to .249, he had 30 fewer hits, 15 fewer stolen bases, and over 30 more strikeouts. In 2011, Matt and Rihanna broke up and Matt finished 2nd in the National League MVP voting.)
  • Don’t admire a home run.
  • Don’t admire Alex Rodriguez.
  • The only thing more embarrassing than wearing a Padres hat is wearing this Padres hat:

Padres Hat - Alex Torres

  • Hit the ball where it’s pitched.
  • Conversely, don’t hit a ball where it’s not pitched. That’s just dumb. (I’m looking at you, Ryan Howard.)
  • Don’t bunt to break up a no hitter. Just kidding. Go for it! It’s a no hitter, not a no bunter.
  • You will never get the theme from Major League Baseball featuring Ken Griffey Jr. for Nintendo 64 out of your head.
  • “Hi, this is Ken Griffey Jr. Let’s play Major League Baseball. It’s showtime! …Call call, call me Junior.”
  • It is always better to flip someone off than to flip a bat.
  • A bat flip is never acceptable. After every hit, no matter how good or how far, you gingerly bend over to gently set down your bat and maybe dust it off a few times, all of this to not infuriate the opposing team’s pitcher.
  • If there is a fast baserunner on first base and second base is open, you must throw over to check the runner a minimum of five times. The first time to keep the runner in-check, and the other four times to slow the game down and annoy fans.
  • If an away team’s pitcher throws to first to keep a runner on, fans must boo him as if he just murdered your family.
  • Los Angeles Dodgers fans are not allowed to show up prior to the 3rd inning and must not stay past the 7th inning.
  • Chicago Cubs fans are not allowed to show up sober.
  • Tampa Bay Rays fans are not allowed to show up.
  • If an All-Star Game is tied after 9 innings, it shall end in a tie.
  • If one of your players gets hit by a pitch, your pitcher must retaliate in the next half inning.
  • If the opposing team retaliates your retaliation, you must retaliate in the next half inning.
  • If the opposing team retaliates your retaliation of their retaliation, resort to this:

  • Basically, never stop hitting the opposing team until they’re beaten to a bloody pulp.
  • If you pick your nose in the dugout, a camera will catch you doing it.
  • No matter how good you get at mowing a lawn, you will never get the lines in your home lawn to be as even and beautiful as those in a MLB outfield.
  • “Call, call, call me Junior.”
  • If you play professional, college, high school, middle school, or little league baseball, NEVER take steroids.
  • If you play men’s slow-pitch softball, ALWAYS take steroids.
  • If you play men’s slow-pitch softball, never use a guy’s bat without asking. “Bro, did you just use my bat?! That’s a $700 bat! I will [expletive] kill you.”
  • If you use a guy’s bat without asking, don’t take what he says personally. It’s the ‘roid rage talking.
  • You will forget about your fantasy baseball team 9 weeks into the season.
  • When arguing about baseball, throw out the terms sabermetrics, OBP, and WAR, and you’ll win the argument guaranteed.
  • This will never NOT be funny:

Padres Hat - Alex Torres

  • No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to throw a baseball like a submarine pitcher.
  • No, it’s not you. Hunter Pence does everything extremely awkward. Try not to laugh.
  • Baseball shall first adopt instant replay, then ban home plate collisions, and the sport must continue to implement new rules every year until it is football.
  • The only thing more awkward than baseball cards in the mid-90’s is nothing:

Piazza Rookie Card

  • No matter what Yasiel Puig does, it’s wrong.
  • Any Yankees-Red Sox game must take no less than 6 hours to complete.
  • If you have trouble fielding routine fly balls you will be designated to play the outfield of the Home Run Derby or for the Chicago Cubs.
  • When signing autographs before the game, only sign for cute girls and young kids.
  • If you make it to the big leagues by slipping on a baseball, breaking your arm and somehow throwing a lot faster after your tendons healed a lot tighter, and then somehow loosened those tendons after again slipping on a baseball, thus losing your ability to throw fast, and are about to face the best hitter on the opposing team… just float it.
  • Also, your father, who walked out on you and your mom was never that great at baseball. Your mom lied to you all these years. However, it was your mom who was really good at baseball. Seriously. Check the inside of your baseball mitt.
  • Any unattended food left out in the clubhouse will be eaten by Prince Fielder. Whether he’s on your team or not.
  • When Bartolo Colon swings, his helmet must come off. Every. Time.
  • Sunglasses are just for show, and not for blocking the sun out of your eyes:

Holiday Sun

  • If you show any emotion whatsoever when playing Brian McCann’s team, like Liam Niesson, he will find you, and he will kill you.
  • 98.6% of attempted bunts with 2 strikes will go foul.
  • American League teams don’t even know how to spell “bunt.”
  • If you walk the leadoff batter of an inning, there is a 112% chance he will score.
  • Every MLB team has a AAA farm team to call up talent from. For example, the New York Yankees get their big leaguers from the Kansas City Royals.
  • “Call, call, call me Junior. It’s showtime!”
  • Nomar Garciaparra will never be content with the strap tightness of his batting gloves.
  • If a player joins your team and doesn’t the know the backstory of “The Beast,” you must host an all-night campout for the entire team, just so one kid can explain the 2-minute story to him.
  • When doing a curtain call, take off your hat and hold it straight up. Unless this is your hat, because it might be too heavy, and will definitely be too embarrassing…

Padres Hat - Alex Torres

  • While being intentionally walked, players must just stand there. With their bat on their shoulder. Waiting patiently. Awkwardly.
  • Never make the first out at third.
  • Never make the fourth out anywhere.
  • The white powder in Rosin Bags are used to dry a pitcher’s hand and not anything else, Daryl Strawberry.
  • Lonely pitchers should never throw a no hitter, so they always have someone to chit-chat with.
  • When all of these rules are enforced, it should be referred to as “The Cardinal Way.”

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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