Baseball Fans Everywhere Neglect Children in Annual Opening Day Tradition

It’s opening day in Major League Baseball, and fans everywhere are putting their kids on the back burners. Every year, fathers in America get to choose one day to neglect their children. Some choose their personal birthday, some choose Christmas or their kid’s birthday, but the most popular day to neglect one’s child is MLB’s Opening Day.

Results from a national study show that on Opening Day, 3 out of every 5 kids in America will go without dinner. Other results include: 2 out of every 5 children will end up eating macaroni, and 4 out of 5 will end up helping their mom carry their dad to bed.

Baseball is America’s favorite pass time. It’s a sport that reassures us summer is right around the corner, and it is often times coupled with our nation’s second favorite pass time: Gluttony. “I plan on eatin’ about three hot dogs before the National Anthem’s over, and I usually pass out by the seventh inning stretch,” said one father/baseball fan. “It’s about baseball. It’s about tradition. It’s about family,” said another dad/fan when asked if he had called in sick to work or just used a vacation day.

All in all, Opening Day is one holiday that unites baseball enthusiasts all across this country. It boosts national morale and reminds citizens everywhere that even though the economy’s down and unemployment’s up and the government is probably going to shut down again sometime soon, at least there will finally be baseball highlights on SportsCenter.