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Friday, March 29, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Bank Some Bread! Here Are Gator’s Best NFL Picks On The Internet – Week 12

In honor of Thanksgiving, we were going to be less negative and full of spite this week. Then, the NFL decided to postpone the only interesting game on Thanksgiving. I know it’s for a good reason because of the pandemic, but as someone who won’t see their family this year, this was just the cherry on top of the shit cupcake that is this year. For that reason, we’re going to do something different this week. No anaylsis, we’re just pointing out what we hate most about each match up and making a pick. If you don’t like it buzz off.

Texans @ Lions (HOU -3)

Poor Pencil

What we hate most about this matchup is Matt Patricia’s stupid pencil. We could have just gone with Matt Patricia in general, but there’s something special about that useless tool behind his ear. Who uses pencils outside of elementary schools and construction sites? Patricia doesn’t look like someone who knows how to write so one can only assume he has it to chew on. Absolutely disgusting, but fitting for an absolutely disgusting man. I hope he’s fired soon, so I can delete him from memory for good. That pencil won’t be able to erase your resume, Pat!

PICK: Texans 31, Lions 20

Football Team @ Cowboys (DAL -2.5)

He’s not allowed within 100 feet of playgrounds.

What we hate most about this matchup is the Cowboys. I don’t really know what more I can say that hasn’t been said over the last 11 weeks of picks. The team is horrible, the fans are horrible, and even the mascot is straight spooky. He looks like a pedophile with those big lifeless eyes. F**k the Cowboys.

PICK: Football Team 24, Cowboys 22

Cardnials @ Patriots (ARZ -2.5)

He’s not likeable

What we hate most about this matchup is Subway. Yes, we’re talking about the below-average sandwich chain. First, their mascot actually turned out to be a pedophile, then it was determined their rolls were made of too much sugar, and now they’re trying to make Bill Bellicheck funny… STOP. He is an evil man without an ounce of humor in his bones. Bring back the $5 footlongs, and go back to your fast food cellar, you disgusting excuse for a meal.

PICK: Cardinals 34, Patriots 20

Panthers @ Vikings (MIN -4.5)

Trash State

What we hate about this matchup most is Minnesota. Maybe this is still sour grapes, but their people are supposed to be “super nice,” but they’re just a bunch of babies. They still cry that they got beers thrown at them in Philly four years ago. It’s like, get over it already. Also, I was there, the cans were closed. We were sharing the wealth. All they had to do was put their hands up and they would have had free beers. Bunch of morons. Also, it’s way too cold there, and I’m not a big fan of Target. Yo Canada, want some more useless territory?

PICK: Panthers 34, Vikings 20

Browns @ Jaguars (CLE -6.5)

complete A**hole right here.

What we hate about this matchup most is Baker Mayfield’s false sense pride. When you have a plethora of weapons on the offensive side, you should score more than 10 points. Yes, the Browns are 7-3, but it’s because of their elite defense. The Browns would be better if they just ran the wildcat with Chubb and Hunt and sat Baker down. Go film more unfunny commericals, and never step on a football field ever again.

PICK: Browns 20, Jaguars 10

Chargers @ Bills (BUF -5.5)

Everyone’s reaction when they left San Diego

What we hate most about this matchup is the fact that the Chargers bolted from San Diego (pun totally intended). The move to Los Angeles is so dumb. They’ve had to play in a soccer stadium for 3 years, where no one shows up, just to be the second favorite team in their city. Horrible decisions. Honorable mention goes to Herbert’s new look. If you even want to call it that, because I sure as hell don’t want to look at it.

PICK: Chargers 16, Bills 31

Dolphins @ Jets (MIA -6.5)

Fireman Ed is out a job but Gase isnt….

What we hate most about this matchup is Adam Gase still has a job. A lot of good people lost their job for no fault of their own over the last few months, and this bumbling idiot still has a job. It’s a slap in the face to the hard working Americans across the country that are out of a job. Screw you, Gase.

PICK: Dolphins 34, Jets 17

Giants @ Bengals (NYG -5.5)

Sad

What we hate most about this matchup is Joe Burrow’s gruesome injury. What a horrible situation where the best player available to be drafted is thrown to the wolves, and has to start for an NFL team with no offensive line to block for him. Of course the poor kid was going to get crushed. Would’ve been safer for him to cliff dive without a parachute. Real shame, hopefully he can bounce back next year, and the Bengals better use all of their draft picks on offensive linemen.

PICK: Giants 23, Bengals 24

Titans @ Colts (IND -3.5)

Clash of the Titans (and Colts)

What we hate most about this matchup is the Clash of blue jerseys. This game is one of the underrated rivalries in the NFL, but I always get mad watching the two teams’ blue jerseys clash against each other in the field. Complete eye sore on the television. Three tones of blue. Gonna be a great game though!

PICK: Titans 25, Colts 24

Raiders @ Falcons (LV -3)

Unlike Aghlor

What we hate most about this matchup is Nelson Agholor. Why are you good now? Besides his effective year in 2017, Agholor was consistantly ranked the worst WR in the league due to all of his drops. Now he’s in Oakland Las Vegas and only has 1 drop and 6 touchdowns. If you’re gonna suck in Philly, you better suck everywhere else. This guy is a real joke. I’m gonna take this time to officialy put the Gator curse on him for the rest of the year. Happy Thanksgiving, Nelson. You bum.

PICK: Raiders 34, Falcons 30

Saints @ Broncos (NO -5.5)

Give the kid some love!

What we hate most about this matchup is the lack of hype surrounding Drew Lock. The kid’s a stud, but he’s lost in the shuffle of great young quarterbacks. And an injury-plagued team. It’s a real shame. Let’s see the media try to ignore him after taking down the Saints.

PICK: Saints 20, Broncos 23

49ers @ Rams (LAR -6.5)

More Cam Jansen!

What we hate most about this matchup is Sean McVay’s photographic memory. Sweet bro, yes it’s helpful, but not as useful as one would think. Now if he was a detective or a trivia master than yes, that’d be great. The benefit that it provides him as a coach is greatly outweighed by how often its talked about in the media.

PICK: 49ers 23, Rams 30

Chiefs @ Buccaneers (KC -3)

They’re both cheaters

What we hate most about this matchup is Tom Brady’s lack of sportsmanship. You would think it’s enough that he’s a known cheater that has an effinity to deflate his balls, but now he’s not shaking hands after his losses. People may argue that its due to COVID concerns, but no, he’s been doing this for a while (see: Super Bowl LII). It’s a shame that a man who’s won 6 Super Bowls can’t grow up, and be a good role model for his children (who he open-mouth kisses) and for the youth of America (as I type an article based soley around hate).

PICK: Chiefs 35, Bucs 24

Bears @ Packers (GB -7.5)

“Your Lack of Faith Disturbs Me”

What we hate most about this matchup is Matt Nagy’s lack of faith. Yes, Mitch Trubisky is not a great quarterback, but you can’t bench him in week 3 after he’s won his first two starts. C’mon man! Yes, you looked smart for two weeks, but Foles is terribe too! He couldn’t beat out Carson Wentz for a shtarting job in Philly. The Bears are mid-collapse and one has to blame Matt Nagy for the free fall.

PICK: Bears 13, Packers 35

Ravens @ Steelers (PIT -4)

It even got Austin!

What we hate most about this matchup is COVID-19. First, it took my favorite holiday from me. I was upset I wasn’t going to see my family, but I knew I was doing the right thing, and at least I had football to look forward to. Then it took away the one good game today! This really needs to be over. This is a plea to everyone. Please stay inside until the vaccine is distrubted, and wear a mask if you have to go outside, so that not too many more people can die, and we don’t have to sweat the Super Bowl being postponed. Don’t do it for yourselves or others. Do it for football.

PICK: Ravens 34, Steelers 24

Seahawks @ Eagles (SEA -5)

They make us wanna fight someone every game

What we hate most about this matchup is how much the Eagles hurt us. Please stop. My heart can’t take much more. Each game day, I wake up hopeful, put the Eagles bandana on the dog, and expect something better. Each week, I get more of the same. This week has to be different or else.

PICK: Seahawks 28, Eagles 34

Gator Flint

Gator Flint is Philadelphia born and bred. He's a lover of all things sports. He writes what’s on his mind and his girlfriend proofreads it so he don’t sound too dumb. #GoBirds #TrustTheProcess Also, he is not a real gator.

Gator Flint

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