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Amurika’s Day

Dearest America-

Happy Birthday man! You’re 234 years old, but you don’t look a day over 225. You look (America the) beautiful. Although, when we talk about your beauty, it usually includes talking about Kevin Spacey. God bless you, land that I know. I will always stand beside you and guide you through the night when you get too hammered to drive. Because in your country, you drink responsibly. Although, you don’t eat responsibly.

I will admit, I am really happy with all the success you have had. You have shown me that although you may not be the best in every sport, you sure do try your hardest.

You are a role model to all other countries in the world… (Except maybe China. Those guys are pretty amazing with most things and don’t really need to look up to anyone. Plus those guys dominate in the Olympics.)

However, when it comes to other sports, you are awesome. And let’s be honest, sports are the most important thing for country dominance in this country. That’s probably why everyone in the Middle East hates us. They suck at sports.

You own football and basketball. You are pretty good at baseball and hockey. And when it comes to soccer… Well… You’re getting there.

Now it may have taken you a while to finally get a black president, but heck, better late than never. And if anyone gives you crap about it, just have Barry Obama go one on one in basketball with any other president on the globe. BOOM!

You’re the home of great TV, wonderful cinema, and pending immigration laws. Your economy is failing, but more people care about where LeBron James is going to sign. But who cares? This is Amurika!

You’re the only country in the world that holds a national hot dog eating contest on your birthday every year. Thus explaining why you’re country is the fattest… I’m sorry, I only said what everyone is thinking. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the words that an old great aunt who had too much wine would say at a Thanksgiving dinner: “You’ve really packed on the pounds, tubby!”

All in all, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. You have excelled in all you have attempted… except clogging oil spills. Tee-hee-hee. I’m just joshing.

I have always looked up to you and I’m not going to lie, I’m really jealous of all you have accomplished.

Love,

Canada

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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