Alternatives For NFL Players

The NFL owners have locked out the players, brewing the potential for no NFL season this fall. This has created a feeling of urgency amongst players, who apparently have never attempted to save a cent of their millions of dollars.

Chad Ochocinco (Johnson? Johnsoncinco?) is going to tryout for Sporting KC (which is a soccer team, in case you didn’t know. Soccer was that sport on TV last summer; that sport with the horns, jujubeezelas or whatever they were called). Whether this is a publicity stunt, a way to stay in shape in case the NFL season doesn’t happen or actually something that someone who changed their name to a fake number (ochenta y cinco, anybody?) want to do is beyond me, but I think that he is on to something. NFL Players need backup plans, and I have a few suggestions.

Tom Brady – Male Model – Or did we not think Tom Brady knew what a you-googly-was?

Dwayne Bowe – actor in the new Friday movies – portraying Deebo, replacing the epic actor Tommy “Tiny” Lister.

Ryan Leaf – Business ventures in Canada. Wait, that’s actually what’s happening. Sorry for the cheap shot.

Ray Lewis and Ed Reed – Go on the Amazing Race. I’d like to see the duo that tries to beat them. Ray Lewis killed a human being once, I think he can make it around Earth once for some cash.

Clay Matthews – America’s Next Top Model

Peyton Manning – Professional Saturday Night Live Host, hopefully alternating weeks with Galifianakis.

Aaron Rodgers – WWE Wrestler. Finally, The Rodg… has come back… to… eh, he’d get destroyed and lose whatever hypothetical belt he likes to put on.

Jay Cutler – Dancing With the Stars. He would do really well for the first ten minutes of one episode, but then he’d hurt his leg and watch someone else who hasn’t danced since college try and dance, but they occasionally throw the dance to BJ Raji, who can really dance.

BJ Raji – Dancing with the Stars


Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


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