Alabama Working On A Deal To Keep Katherine Webb

TUSCALOOSA , AL — Following their defeat at the hands of the Oklahoma Sooners in the Sugar Bowl, the University of Alabama was left wondering how they were going to retain departing quarterback A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb.

“It’s going to be tough trying to keep someone who is a universally-known hottie here in Alabama, but it’s imperative we keep her part of the Crimson Tide family,” Alabama head coach Nick Saban told reporters.

Going back in history, Katherine Webb is the first hottie to reside in the state since Reese Witherspoon stayed at a Birmingham hotel during the three-week filming of Sweet Home Alabama. “We ain’t seen the likes of someone that purty since then,” said a guy sitting outside of a Tuscaloosa gas station.

Webb became a staple of every Crimson Tide televised game, due to the fact that cameramen fixated on her in the crowd after every play. In fact, they filmed her so much, four current 2014 commitments thought she was the Alabama’s head coach, bringing a rise to their recruiting numbers. It was that appeal that made the university trustees take her impending departure very seriously.

“She is not only the face of our football program, but the face of the entire university, maybe even the whole state. Heck, she’s not even just the face. She’s the body too,” University of Alabama President Dr. Judy L. Bonner said. “I mean I’m into dudes and all, but daaaaaang, that’s one fine piece of as…” Bonner continued before being interrupted.

Alabama Athletic Director Bill Battle went on to admit they previously approached Miss Webb about dating other athletes on other team. “Our lower revenue programs always need exposure, and while I’m grateful she hooked up with [A.J.] McCarron, she could have spread that affection to the young men on our golf team or tennis teams.”

Katherine Webb has stated recently that her relationship with McCarron is “a strong bond of loving reciprocity,” but that she always keeps the door open for a “Tom Brady or Shermar Moore type” to sweep her out of Alabama and get her more Twitter followers, something McCarron may or may not do depending on how he fares at the upcoming NFL Draft.

President Bonner expressed the importance of Miss Webb’s staying, comparing her to a pin-up model that boosted the morale of soldiers overseas. “I know after our boys lost that heartbreaker to Auburn in the Iron Bowl and then in the Sugar Bowl against Oklahoma, they really needed to look up and see an Alabama fan that didn’t look like a Jeff Foxworthy punch line.” Bonner then pulled out a poster of Webb and whispered quietly to herself, “Hubba hubba.”

“We are currently working on an offer for Miss Webb that includes several incentives such as a personal trainer, hair and makeup teams, and all the Alabama swag she can handle,” Battle said. When asked how long the offer was for, Battle said it’s a 5-year-deal or until “Webb gets fat.”

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