Thursday, April 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Adrian Peterson Is Back, Which Means Adrian Peterson’s Massive Dips Are Back

I’m still trying to get over the fact that Adrian Peterson is a Tennessee Titan. This has all the looks and feels as to when Randy Moss was a Tennessee Titan, but at least that signing made sense. That team (and really the franchise for more than a decade) was depleted at the wide receiver position. This current era of the Tennessee Titans was supposed to be set at running back.

So when I see pictures of Adrian Peterson rocking Marcus Mariota’s (and Johnny Townsend’s) number 8, I get weirded the hell out. Kinda like the first time you saw your parents drunk. You were probably surprised, but also, it was kinda cool. I mean if you told younger me that the Tennessee Titans would have Adrian Peterson, Julio Jones, and Ryan Tannehill I’d be shocked. Mostly because I’d be talking to me from the future, but also because of the random stars in two-toned blue.

But like me since this news dropped, you’ve probably watched practice footage and pictures of Adrian Peterson as if it’s training camp all over again, you may have noticed something. Or in my case, had it pointed out to you.

What is that bump in his lip? Is that a bump?

Gotta be a mouthpiece, right?

Mouth full of Gatorade?

(These photos come via @donaldppage on Instagram. Go follow him right now.)

At first, I thought that was just a big mouthpiece. I mean, Titans fans are used to running backs with oversized mouthpieces. And surely AP isn’t touting the rock at practice rocking a swamp donkey in his mouth, right? That would just be irresponsible. Surely it’s just a bad angle and the wind is blowing his cheek to make it look like he’s storing nuts for the winter, right? But then my friend who alerted me to the image reminded me of this Bleacher Report article from like six years ago that talked about the NFL’s silent plague.

During the Vikings’ telecast on Sunday, it was reported that running back Adrian Peterson was ill from swallowing his chewing tobacco. Peterson denied the story and said what really made him ill was some whack seafood. 

“I’ve been dipping for the past 10 years,” Peterson told the media after the game. “Swallowing dip? My body’s immune to it. That doesn’t affect me at all.”

Wait…hold on…what? Adrian Peterson has been using dip for a decade? This got me wondering: How much is dip used in the NFL?

The answer: a helluva lot. A whole helluva lot.

via Bleacher Report (2015)

*wipes tear from eye* That’s my running back.

That’s insane. AP isn’t just out here dippin’, he’s out here swallowin’. I’m too scared to swallow bubble gum, and Adrian Peterson’s out here making full meals out of smokeless tobacco. And like big Thanksgiving meals too. AP is out here with lip busters bigger than most MLBers. AP’s packing a chaw so big it’s like he’s smuggling a meatball in his cheek. The stomachs of pregnant ladies in their third trimesters don’t look that full.

This might be the most Oklahoma thing about him.

Honestly, this fact might make me feel more jacked up about this signing than any highlight you could possibly show me. When the Titans lost Derrick for the rest of the regular season, everyone knew they needed grit. And what’s grittier than a running back carrying the rock with a fat one packed inside his lip? This feels like the most Mike Vrabel move ever. Hell, AP probably burrowed some chaw from his coach.

Now look, I don’t dip. Nor do I condone it. But I’d be lying if I said my brand new running back doesn’t look bad ass and gritty as hell tossin’ a dooker. I mean, damn, AP. Lemme guess, you drive a Silverado and know multiple lawnmowers by their full product name too?

If you see a filled-up Coke bottle around him, don’t ask if you can have a sip.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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