A bunch of people hit me up over the last couple of days and asked me if I was going to cover Tiger King at all on this site. I was unaware of what this phenomena was outside of seeing a lot about it on Twitter and various forms of social media. Even my dad texted me about it, and he just started wearing unpleated khakis like three years ago. So I felt very behind on this. Apparently, this show is this year’s Birdbox, where the memes are what lead people to watch. Including me. So I sat down and watched.

After watching one episode, I can now officially assure those people that I will definitely be covering Tiger King on this site.

The first episode is called Not Your Average Joe

Uh, yeah. I’ll say.

The show follows not one, not two, but three (at least so far) big cat owners in America. What’s a big cat? We’re talking lions, tigers, and bearcats (oh my). My first thought: how long have I been quarantined? Maybe I need to get out more (when I can). Because apparently there are a lot of people who hang out with full size tigers like they’re shooting scenes from The Hangover, only these people act way more drunk.

The show starts out by letting you know that a guy named Joe Exotic is in jail, and from the Adnan Syed hotline, he hits us with an all-time quote, “Dying doesn’t scare me.” Which honestly isn’t surprising to hear from a guy who has this haircut.

That’s him. That’s the man. Ol’ Joey Ex himself. Now, you may be wondering, is Exotic his actual name? Or did they change it to that at Ellis Island when his ancestors came to America? This may come as a surprise, but no, Exotic isn’t his actual name. It’s Joseph Screibvogel. I’ve also seen that Maldonado-Passage could be his last name too? It’s kind of confusing, but it makes you quickly realize why he goes by Exotic. Also, I assure you the mystery behind his last name is the least mysterious thing about this man.

What else is there? Well, for starters, he’s a completely insane, gay, gun-toting, drug addict, fanatic. Not my words. Those are the words of ————- who is apparently another big cat owner in America (that’s right there’s more than one). We’ll get to more of here in a bit.

Joe looks exactly how you’d expect him to look. Like a gay Dog The Bounty Hunter. He’s Cat The Bounty Hunter. Sorry, Big Cat The Bounty Hunter.

Apparently this whole documentary started 5 years ago in Homestead, Florida, when the filmmaker Eric Goode was investigating a notorious repitle dealer in south Florida. I’m not exactly sure how “notorious” you can be selling reptiles, but then again it is Florida. Reptile dealers are probably like Instagram influencers down there. While he was there, a man showed up to purchase a snake and as he was leaving, he said, “Check out what I just bought. It’s in the back of the van.” Eric, who clearly was never told to stay away from strangers in vans while growing up, walked to see what was inside. Surprisingly it wasn’t candy. It was a damn snow leopard. And I’m not talking the former Mac operating system either. A real life snow leopard just chilling in a dog kennel in a turned off van in 100-degree heat of the summer.

So Eric went on a quest to figure out what was going on with people keeping big cats in this country. Wouldn’t have been my first move, but to each their own, I guess.

That took Eric to meet Joe Exotic, owner of the G.W. Zoo in rural Oklahoma. Joe built this zoo from scratch (cat pun). And now he houses over 200 big cats on the property. It’s like Disneyland but for the people who’s favorite character in Aladdin was Rajah.

This place employs what the documentary referred to as misfits, which I feel like is the politically correct way of saying ex-con rednecks. It was almost as if missing multiple teeth was a prerequisite to getting a job there. To me, Joe and his team felt like the crew from Ocean’s 11 but if they got caught and served hard time for every heist they attempted.

Let’s Meet Carole Baskin

Carole Baskin was the Newman to Joe’s Seinfeld. He hated her. Absolutely despised her.

Carole came across initially as animal rights activist, but those waters got murky real fast when you learned that she too houses big cats for profit. Wait, what? Carole Baskin says, “If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that tigers do not belong in cages.” With a tiger literally in a cage right behind her.

Apparently, Carole Baskin was trying to get Joe Exotic to go out of business and has been for years. So being the good filmmaker that he is Eric goes down to Florida to meet with Carole Baskin and hear her side of things.

How can I describe ol’ C.B.? Carole is more than just your everyday run-of-the-mill stereotypical cat lady. She’s a stereotypical cat lady hopped up on all of Barry Bonds anabolic steroids. She’s a steroidtypical cat lady. And here’s the kicker. Growing up, she didn’t even have cats. She had two imaginary cats. And she said those were only friends growing up.

Her husband, Howard, says she’s the Mother Theresa of cats, to which Carole immediately hugged him for saying something so sweet. Not sure if Howard really meant that or if he was just hoping to get some pussy. Not sex, just actual pussy cats, because I assume being married to Mother Purr-esa you’d have to have an unhealthy infatuation for felines too.

Personally, my wife was super jealous of Carole. But only for her walk-in closet. And only until she saw what filled that walk-in closet. Pretty much every article of clothing was cat print. She even had cat luggage.

Hey Carole, maybe chill out with the cat charade a bit. Maybe mix in a handcuff belt or leather vest like my guy Joseph Ex.

Back To Joe

He’s giving us a tour of his gift shop. And let me tell you, this place sells your everyday gift shop apparel, and then some. It’s like if Wal-Mart coughed up a hairball.

They sell honey, they sell barbecue sauce, they sell steak sauce, none of which can be FDA approved, right? He sells Tiger King branded skin cream. Which if you’ve got blemishes so bad that you’re buying skin cream from a non-regulated tiger zoo gift shop, I think I can tell you why you’ve got blemishes that bad.

Joe also sells sex gel for he and her as well as his best selling item, Tiger King branded underwear. Disturbing, maybe. But the most disturbing thing wasn’t sold in that gift shop. It was the fact that Joe revealed that he doesn’t wear underwear. “Free ball it!” he said laughing, while Eric swallowed his vomit. It’s no wonder this guy doesn’t fear death with the amount of daily chaffing he overcomes in those bear-hugging jeans he wears.

Joe proudly showed off that he has been on the cover of Hollywood magazine twice as if Hollywood magazine was a known publication in America.

He also showed off the two albums he made. Not photo albums. Music albums. Star Struck and I Saw A Tiger.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUOZUu0t2CA

I grew up in Nashville, so I’m pretty used to being exposed to country music from people who really want to be stars, but don’t even know how to strum a guitar as they stand on the hood of an Emergency Rescue pickup truck, but wow, was that bad! You know the expression “jack of all trades, master of none?” That’s Joe Exotic. This guy started a zoo, makes music, and he hosts a TV show (that isn’t on TV, but rather his own website) every night at 6 o’clock. Also, no spoilers, please. I’m only on season 2 of Joe Exotic TV.

Now It’s Time To Meet Bhagavan “Doc” Antle

That’s him. Doc Bhagavan Antle. I could try and tell you how to pronounce his first name, but after hearing it multiple times, I still have no idea. This guy felt like a Saturday Night Live character with no punchlines.

He looked like a guy who was pulled right off the set of The Incredible Burt Wonderstone with a soul patch even youth pastors would cringe at. This guy seems like the kind of guy who goes to the salon just to get his eyebrows colored.

He runs another one of these Matt Damon self-starter zoos in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. And speaking of Matty Dames, Doc is known for pimping out animals to Hollywood execs for big time movies like Mighty Joe Young. He’s probably the envy of all the self-starter zoo people.

Doc sets off major Joe Exotic vibes, but with a bit more confidence and wherewithal on how to be really successful. I mean it costs more to get into Doc’s Animal Kingdom than Disney’s Animal Kingdom. $339 is the starting price to get in.

Doc said there are some people who paid $655 for their tickets that day. Think about that for a second. Do I want to purchase a one way ticket to Maui (on Southwest, of course), or do I want to spend 30 seconds petting a tiger with a chance to purchase a photo of that experience for an extra $49.99? Why does he charge so much? Well, for one, people pay it. And for two, Doc Wonderstone said it costs them $10 thousand a year to feed one tiger.

Then the documentary cut immediately to Joe, who said he spends $3 thousand a year to feed one tiger. Someone is either overfeeding or underfeeding, and with one look at Doc’s tigers, I’d say it’s the former. Even Garfield thinks these cats need to mix in a salad every now and then.

Back To Joe

Joe talked about how he used to go to schools to try and teach kids not to do drugs, in honor of his brother who was killed by a drunk truck driver (?). But he said kids don’t want to listen to you talk about not doing drugs (yeah, maybe the trouble kids who sit in the back row and wear JNCOs), so he brought animals. But after a while people got bored with animals, so that’s when he took up magic.

Yup.

And thus another layer of this Outback Steakhouse bloomin’ onion has been peeled.

Joe is a magician as well.

Joe would then take his show on the road and took tigers on tours of malls around America like they were some sort of low rent boy band. But Carole and her team of goons quickly put that to bed by stalking Joe and calling the malls he was planning on going to next and asking them to stop inviting him. Let’s just say the mall tour of America did not last long.

The beef with Carole continues.

In an interview with CBS This Morning, Armen Keteyian asked for his response to animal rights activists saying tigers being held captive are like a ticking time bomb. Joe answered, “It is a ticking time bomb if someone thinks they’re going to walk in here and take my animals away. It’s going to be a small Waco.” Now, Joe is a zoo keeper, an entrepreneur, a country artist, a TV show host, and a magician. But a public relations expert he is not. In fact, I’m starting to see why this episode began with him calling from a jail cell.

Then the next 5 minutes of the episode were basically just clips of Joe and his band of misfit toys shooting guns into a lake. Now, I’m far from a gun guy. I’ve only fired a gun once in an Intro To Maps course at the ROTC building in college. (Long story, but it was a 1 hour course where learned to read maps from military members and then got to shoot guns). But with that said, it feels like a waste to just shoot ammo into a lake? Maybe that’s just me though?

Carole and PETA vs. Joe

Carole then teamed up with PETA. I assume only to try and get the scent off of herself. I mean, Carole keeps tigers in cages and profits off of them too. One lady in the documentary called Carole’s place the Ritz-Carlton of tiger sanctuaries, which I guess makes Joe’s the Motel 6 of tiger sanctuaries. But at the end of the day they’re both still hotels. And hotels are where you stay when you’re not in your rightful home. And aside from the plot of the lovable ’90s family comedy Dunston Checks In, wild animals should not live in hotels.

I should note that I am all for the rightful treatment of animals. However, I also believe PETA oversteps their bounds many times. So when I watch PETA go after my guy Joey Ex while he houses animals in rural Oklahoma when they should be flourishing in the wild jungles, I instantly become that Larry David Curb meme.

The episode ended with Joe continuing his disdain for Carole. Classic Joe. But let’s just say I’m hooked. And really, I’ve been hooked since the minute I laid eyes on Joey Tic’s eyebrow piercing.

UPDATE: In a previous version of this post, I mistakenly said Carole was dead. However, I do not know that. I just assumed as much based on the fact that Joe was arrested for allegedly devising plot to murder scheme. My apologies for any misinformation you garnered from me being a doofus.

I’ll leave you with this.

With the first pick of the 2020 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select their king pic.twitter.com/4nPaf9mDxj

— Korked Bats (@korkedbats) March 27, 2020