A Recap of The Bachelor: Listen To Your Heart – Episode 5
Before we begin, I should address something. You’re probably wondering why I didn’t write a recap for episode 4 (you’re not wondering that, but for the sake of this post – and my ego – just go with it).
The real answer is I just got really busy with a multitude of different things and never had the time to hash out my thoughts about Julia creating drama by getting mad at Natascha for doing literally the exact same thing she did to Savannah like an episode earlier.
But the hyperbolic answer is that I just hate this show so much and am so ready for it to be over. I don’t like any of the contestants (except for maybe Matt). I don’t like the fact that this show is just American Idol with dating. And I don’t like Sheridan. Sure, he was voted off last week, but his stench still lingers. He’s that gross.
Check out our recap of Listen To Your Heart – Episode 3 here.
With all that said, let’s recap the hell out of this week’s episode.
Episode 5 begins the same way most musicians’ days begin, with nobody doing anything productive, everyone just laying around, and being lazy. It wasn’t until Chris Harrison walked in when the decided to get off their asses and actually walk into the living room.
The four couples stopped listening to their hearts for a moment and started listening to Chris Harrison. “There is a massive change this week – and this one will be emotional,” Harrison said. What?! NO!! You mean to tell me it’s not just going to be a normal week with dates and singing?! What?! You mean producers are adding twists?! I’m shocked. I’m stunned. I’m befuddled. Never did I expect this to happen.
Unfortunately, however, the “massive change” was just that they were going to be spending that week in Las Vegas, and they were going to be taking tour busses to get there.
As the guys were packing, Trevor threw an unused loofa at Matt. Matt asked, “Who’s is this? Can I have this?” Trevor said yeah. Considering it was unused, I’m going to assume it was Sheridan.
Fast forward to the time on the tour busses. Now, you’re probably thinking, “Sweet! We get to see what it’s like on a real tour bus!” Which I will admit, does sound pretty sweet, until you realize, people sitting on a tour bus is somehow more boring than this show. It’s essentially what the people in the backseat of a roadtrip do, only with more space. All they did was take Poloroid pictures, strum guitars, and like hug each other and stuff. It was pretty lame, and boring. One couple made a stop: Trevor and Jamie (shocker), because since Jamie is the youngest in the house, she probably didn’t go pee-pee before we left. So they get out at a gas station and purchase literally the most cliche roadtrip purchases ever: a trucker hat, aviator sunglasses, a stuffed rose (?), and Sour Patch Kids. Oh great, more sugar for the girl who’s already the most hyper in the house.
Meanwhile, on one of the more awkward tour busses, Matt is struggling with his feelings about Rudi. Rudsters was already being overly clingy and seeing the other relationships progressing at faster levels isn’t helping that at all. She continues to pet and caress Matt while he looks straight ahead trying not to get carsick and/or lovesick.
Eventually, all of the couples arrive to Vegas. Well, all the couples but one… Matt and Rudi. At first you’re thinking Matt finally snapped and kicked Rudi off the bus (which I think would go against Bachelor rules), but as it turned out, Matt and Rudi stopped at a seedy motel along the way because it’s not like that 5-hour drive from LA to Vegas can be made in one day.
First Date Card
Not sure why they keep doing date cards if literally everyone on the show eventually goes on their own date. Just feels like a waste of paper, in my opinion.
The first date card went to Bri and Chris. I missed what it said, and honestly, I didn’t want to rewind the DVR, so just imagine it saying something punny about playing music at a wedding, because that’s exactly what they did. They played music for a wedding in one of those Vegas wedding chapels, which i’m sure made it the fanciest wedding to ever happen in Vegas.
Also, is it just me or does it feel a little weird having these guys sing at someone’s wedding for free. I mean, if this show was a Bachelor full of doctors (The Bachelor: Listen To Your Heart With A Stethoscope), would they ask them to perform surgeries on people for free as one of the dates? I don’t think so. ABC is just exploiting free labor.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Matt and Rudi finally show up after being missing for hours and the first thing Trevor says to them is, “Did you guys get to sleep in the same bed?” Dammit, Trevor. Can you try and at least pretend not to be horny for like two minutes?!
Second Date Card
This date card is addressed to Horny Trevor and Jamie and it read, “Your love will keep you warm.”
This date took them to T-Mobile Arena, home of the Las Vegas Golden Knights, a pro hockey team that’s just slightly younger than Jamie. I was actually ok with this date, because that’s how desperate I am for live sports.
Their date consisted of skating around, shooting some hockey pucks, and then sitting down to snuggle. During the snug-sesh, Trevor admits to Jamie that he doesn’t just throw “the L-word” (I think he’s talking about ‘love’) around. He tells her he’s only said it two other people outside of his family his entire life. Two people for only being in your mid-20s seems like nearly every girl he’s ever dated or at least half. Later in the night, Jame tells him he’s falling in love with him. To which he responds that he’s falling in love with her.
Does that count?
I don’t know.
All I know is no matter what happened on this date, it wouldn’t be the most dramatic thing to ever happen on that ice.
That lantern guy kinda looks like Jamie with a goatee.
Third Date Card
This date card goes to Matt and Rudi and reads, “It’s you, it’s both of you…”
If you have no guesses as to what that date card means, it’s ok. I’ve watched the entire date, and I still have no idea what it means.
However, this date card brings them a Shaggy concert in the back corner of some casino. During the entire concert, Shaggy only played “It Wasn’t Me.” Which was probably a desperate sign from Shaggy to everyone who was wondering, “Why did Shaggy book a gig on the worst of The Bachelor franchises?” Shaggy’s like, “No, literally, it wasn’t me. It was my agent.”
Shaggy brings Matt and Rudi, the only couple left who is struggling with furthering their relationship, on stage to sing a song all about getting caught banging another woman on the counter, the bathroom floor and the shower. So it shouldn’t be surprising to say their relationship hit somewhat of a snag after the concert. After hearing about how much success Jamie had with the “I’m falling in love with you” line, Rudi decides to also try it on for size. She eventually builds up enough courage and lets the line fly. Unfortunately, Matt did not go the same route Trevor did. Instead, he says, “You’re very courageous for doing speaking your truth and I appreciate you doing that…. so….”
Personally, I’m trying to think of a worse response to “I’m falling in love with you” than this, but nothing is coming to mind. Even Han Solo saying, “I know” to Princess Leia saying she loves him was better than this.
Naturally, awkward silence ensues as Rudi tries to fight back tears. Eventually, she gets up and leaves as Matt sits there, proud of Rudi for being so courageous to speak her truth.
Fourth Date Card
By the time the fourth date card arrived for Ryan and Natascha, nobody really cared, so the show joined their date as it was already in progress. Apparently their date card read, “It’s time to dig deep.” And all they did was go out to some place in the middle of the desert that lets you operate heavy machinery like bulldozers and excavators.
The Performances
Again, this is where I tune out each week. If I wanted to watch American Idol, I’d watch American Idol. But based on the little bit I’ve seen, I don’t think I’m going to.
However, I will give props to ABC for the judges they’re pulling.
Patrick Monahan – say what you will about Train, but Meet Virginia still slaps, and Hey Soul Sister will again, but it just needs a little more time to die down with the amount of radio play it got in 2009.
Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross – I think America grew a little bit when we finally learned to accept Ashlee Simpson again after the lip sync heard (or not heard) ’round the world.
Also, I could’ve sworn they announced Evan Ross as being the Evan from Evan and Jaron, which got me super excited, because Crazy For This Girl is still a jam.
Unfortunately, nobody said that at all which left me bummed and partially deaf, apparently.
Arie and his wife – Arie is such a doofus. Somebody please put him back in a racecar.
Also, any chance we can get the dude from Train a significant other?
After they announced the judges, people sang. The only notable part came when Natascha awkwardly took the mic off Ryan’s mic stand forcing him to hold a mic and strum a guitar at the same time. It was as awkward as it sounds. Also, she apparently sand the wrong part of their song. Way to go, Natascha! First you screw up Julia’s performance (thank you, by the way), now you screw up your own!
The Rose Ceremony
These rose ceremonies are so cringy, because Chris Harrison has to say the people’s names only to have them each come up and ask each other if they’ll accept the rose. Feels like there’s a better and easier way to streamline this process.
- Jamie and Trevor
- Rudi and Matt
- Bri and Chris
Meaning Ryan and Natascha were sent packing. Also, we all agree that none of these “relationships” are going to last past this show, right? Just like how none of these “musical careers” are either.
Look, I don’t know what next week’s finale has in store, all I know is I will be so happy when it’s over. For as much as I enjoy watching The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, I despise this show. In fact, I audibly said this week, “I hope this show doesn’t get renewed.”
