A Recap of The Bachelor: Listen To Your Heart – Episode 3

May 1, 2020May 1, 2020 Austin

*sigh*

I told myself I wouldn’t, and for three days, I held up that end of the bargain. But here we are, on a Friday, and I’m finally sitting down to recap this God-forsaken show that airs every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC network.

Dammit, I legitimately hate this show.

The good news, there’s only 3 more episodes after this one. The bad news, there’s 3 more episodes after this one. Let’s just get this over with already.

Episode 3

The show starts off with various people in the house talking about the connections they’ve made in like the three days they’ve been on the show. During this time Brandon also pulled Julia aside to tell her that he knew she was going to get chosen and there’s still something between them he wants to pursue. I’d tell you more about what they said, but we’ll get into it more later and honestly, I zoned out during this part because I care about absolutely no one on this show.

Except maybe Matt. Yeah, Matt is ok by me.

But everyone else? They suck.

Then Chris Harrison gathers everyone in the living room to tell them that “Everything is about to change.” I wasn’t sure if he was referring to the show itself or the fact that a global pandemic is about to hit and alter our lives forever. But as it turns out, he was referring to the show. He basically told everyone to team up into couples and if there’s no one in the house you want to continue with, gets ta steppin because you gots ta go! “I only want to see couples that are serious about taking that next step and moving forward,” he said. ” Love comes first, music comes later.” Sure, whatever.

Now, you’d think people would pair up with someone – whether they liked them or not – just so they could the perks of being on the show longer, and potentially get the tour/record deal if they win the show. But nope. These people are as dumb as they look apparently and some of them actually chose to leave the show because they didn’t have someone they felt strongly about.

Obviously we know Sheridan is head over hairy heels for Julia. Now, whenever someone has a crush on someone else, I always use the term “sweatin'” as in, “whenever she comes around his palms start sweatin’.” However, when it comes to Sheridan, I have to find new terminology, since he’s always sweating, no matter who’s around. Needless to say, he’s smitten by Julia. And despite accepting his rose last week, I’m still not sure if Julia knows Sheridan exists/and or is just a walking weeping willow tree. Plus, Julia is hung up on Brandon. Especially after their earlier convo about him still maybe wanting to pursue.

So while the girls are all sitting together, Julia lets it slip that she and Brandon had a conversation that morning. Oops. Did I just spill the beans about that with Savannah (the girl who got Brandon’s rose last week) sitting right there? This of course injects viles of doubt into Savannah’s fair-trade blood stream. “Maybe this isn’t, like, what I thought it was gonna be,” she says through tears and snot collecting on her nose ring. As she goes off to get a good cry in out in the backyard, she is approached by Gabe – who I’m just now learning is a character on this show. Gabe confesses his love for Savs, despite the two of them not talking the entire show. Look, I’m never going to clown someone for shooting their shot, but this interaction had a very Can’t Hardly Wait feel to it, where Preston shoots his shot with Amanda Beckett despite not talking to her the entire school year.

“I know confidently that there’s no way in which I could honestly continue on the show if I wasn’t in a couple with you. With you is the only person I see that possibly being the case.” Wow. Pretty strong monologue for the first words Gabe has said on this show. But unfortunately, Savs wasn’t feeling it.

Savs completely “friend-zones” Gabe and instead of returning to Ruby (who he gave his rose to) and just faking it, he tells her he’s gonna bounce, which mean she has to also – because no solo acts on this show. Have you ever even seen A Star is Born where the main couple performs like once together in the entire movie?!

Then Savs leaves to cry even more and to yell at reality TV cameramen for filming her while she participates on a reality TV show. While Savs is sobbing all of the fluids out of her body, Brandon stops by to say ‘sup. Great. Probably the last guy Savs wants to see right now. She confronts him about the feelings he still has for Julia. “How can you like her when she’s literally sucked face with Needs-To-Shave Sheridan?” (I assume that’s the nickname he’s been given within the house.) He tells her that when he first accepted her rose, he told her he still wanted to explore things with other people. *cough JULIA cough* He apparently had moved on from her, until Julia blindsided him with news that she actually was still into him after getting back from a date with Sh-HAIRY-dan. Then Brandon says, “Unfortunately, I didn’t convey that the best to you, and I apologize for that. I’d like to move forward with you.” Then Brandon asks, “Do you want to do this, or do you want to go home and cry?” Lol. Classic.

Naturally she chose “do this” and the two of them hugged awkwardly in front of a third-wheel Native American.

Julia catches wind of the Brando and Savs reconciliation, which in turn makes her cry, because she realizes she has to be the Princess Leia to Sheridan’s Chewbacca for the rest of the damn season.

To put into perspective as to how off Julia and Sheridan are about their relationship, these are exact quotes from them:

Sheridan: “She feels confident moving forward with me.”

Julia: “I’m struggling with this right now. What I had with Brandon is what I’m missing with Sheridan… I’m just, like, questioning everything.”

After the couples split in to twos (read: Gabe and Ruby pack up and leave), Chris Harrison shows back up and tells everyone that each couple will be assigned a song to perform in front of a live audience and a panel of celebrity judges (read: people who weren’t good enough for Dancing With The Stars) and former Bachelor Nation couples, who will determine which couples stay every week. As for the prize at the end? “The final couple is going to be given an amazing opportunity to start their lives as performing artists. You’re gonna work together with a noted producer, write and record your own original songs, and then the two of you will go on tour.” Pretty vague, which makes sense, because even ABC is like, “These people suck at music.”

Each couple was then assigned a song, and immediately broke off to start practicing (because boy do they need it).

The First One-On-One Date

Apparently we’re still doing these now despite this show resorting to being a couple-only American Idol?

The card goes to Bekah and Danny, and it reads:

To be your best, you have to look your best.

Which is true, and the reason why Sheridan is the worst. The two of them drive up to a house in the Hollywood Hills where a boutique is set up, and its apparently run by Rebecca Mink. Hold up… THE Rebecca Mink? NO WAY! Yeah, I have no idea who she is either, but apparently she’s the “stylist to the stars.”

Ok, I didn’t say she was good stylist to the stars.

After Bekah and Danny get dressed up in clothes nicer than the shirt Danny’s wearing above, they have a photoshoot and then go for a dip in the pool. While in the pool, they bump uglies and suck face the entire time. SIKE! Bekah tells Danny she’s not really feeling it. Probably something she should’ve brought up when Chris Harrison asked people to pair up into COUPLES!

Meanwhile, back at the house, Julia won’t stop obsessing over Savs and Brando. And won’t stop badmouthing their relationship to anyone who will listen. And the only person in the house who will listen is 21-year-old Jamie. “She went zero to 100 real quick with the PDA. I want to leave because of her,” Julia says. In that case, I hope Savs and B up the PDA tenfold. I’m not a fan of PDA AT ALL, but I’d be ok with people having sex in public it means getting Julia off this show.

Since, Julia thinks about Savannah and Brandon more than Sheridan thinks about not grooming himself, she decides to pull Savs aside and have a chat. “It feels like ever since Chris Harrison said, ‘Couple up,’ you and Brandon have been all over each other. It feels disingenuous,” Julia tells her.

WTF?! Why is that any of your business, Julia? Savannah basically makes that same point, “Who are you to sit here and say that I’m being disingenuous? That is insane to me! I’m not in your business.”

I just find it funny who the girl in the house who is continuing a “relationship” with Harry from Harry and the Hendersons is calling someone else’s relationship fake.

Then Julia hits with the lie of all lies…

Lol. Suuuuuuuuuuuure. Let’s rewind a bit to a word-for-word quote Julia gave in this exact episode.

Julia: “I’m struggling with this right now. What I had with Brandon is what I’m missing with Sheridan… I’m just, like, questioning everything.”

“Yeah, and I hate this show with a heated passion!” Austin said as he continued to watch every week AND recap it on his blog.

The Second One-On-One Date

Yup, apparently we are doing these.

Speaking of fake couples, Ryan and Natascha get the date card where they go to House of Blues to watch a Chris Lane concert. Hold up… THE Chris Lane? NO WAY! Yeah, I had no idea who he is either, but apparently he’s a country singer who is married to Ben Higgins’ ex-fiancé, Lauren. He gives Ryan and Natascha passes to his “sold-out” show, which isn’t saying a ton considering that venue holds what? A thousand or two? During the show he even brings them onstage for a song. If it sounds boring, that’s because it was.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the couples are practicing for their performances. Matt and Rudi are fine. Bri and Chris nail it. And Trevor and Jamie… well… Jamie pees her pants. For a practice. In a secluded barn in the backyard of the mansion.

She runs off into a bathroom to cry and/or do TidePods or whatever the hell 21-year-old’s do these days.

The Singing Part of The Show

Ugh. The part we’ve all been dreading for.

Now, I will say this. I do have to give ABC credit. I did not think the would even be able to get the C out of celebrity judges, but I will admit. They did alright.

Jordan Rodgers and JoJo. Ok, this was a given. Nick Vial must’ve been busy filming another Bachelor show. But also Jason “Mr. A-Z” Mraz?! Not bad at all. And of course, my girl Ke$ha – no wait, she dropped the dollar sign – Kesha! I say she’s my girl because we were in the same grade in middle school. I was at one of her first concerts ever, when she performed Karma Police by Radiohead at the 7th grad talent show. Not to brag.

After that, the couples started singing, and honestly, I couldn’t have been more bored. I started making dinner. What did I have? Glad you hypothetically asked. Some tacos. My wife cooked the meat.

The only thing of note is when Julia told us she feels “super confident” about her relationship with Sheridan even though, aand allow me to remind you, earlier in the show, she said this.

Julia:“I’m struggling with this right now. What I had with Brandon is what I’m missing with Sheridan… I’m just, like, questioning everything.”

Anyway, the tacos were really good.

The Rose Ceremony

The Rose Ceremony took place the next night, and not to sound too much like Chris Harrison, but it was the most shocking rose ceremony in Bachelor history. Why? Because Chris Harrison was apparently the one handing out the roses based on who the judges chose to move on. He would call a couple forward, and then they would turn to each other and ask each other if they would accept this rose. It was awkward, uncomfortable, and not very time friendly.

The roses were handed out as follows: