No one ever could’ve ever imagined we’d be here, and yet here we are. Against our will trying to fight off a pandemic that is wreaking more havoc than we ever imagined. It’s completely derailing all of our original plans and ruining all of our lives. It’s effecting everyone negatively and even causing major health risks, including unceasing nausea.

I’m of course referring to The Bachelor: Listen To Your Heart. What did you think I was talking about?

Look, I told myself I wasn’t going to watch this show. But then a global pandemic struck making my life void of live sports, new movies and entertainment options, or any social life whatsoever. So now I’m pretty much stuck with it. Which might actually be the best thing possible for this show. For it to debut in the midst of a national stay-at-home order. This is ABC’s way of going Clockwork Orange on all of us.

Since I’m stuck at home, I figured I might as well recap this show like I do with The Bachelor. Especially considering The Bachelorette has suspended filming indefinitely. Unfortunately, Listen To Your Heart was filmed prior to this pandemic striking, meaning we’re going to get all six episodes in full. I know, I know. The bad news just keeps coming.

Let’s just bite the bullet and break this thing down.

The episode starts with Chris Harrison (a national savior at a time like this), welcoming us to the show and giving us the first of countless references to A Star Is Born this episode. Seriously. It’s as if someone watched that movie, saw Bradley Cooper’s and Lady Gaga’s performance at the Oscars and thought, “This should be a show.” Spoiler: it shouldn’t. But if you played a drinking game where you took a sip any time someone referenced A Star Is Born in this episode, you’d be as drunk as Bradley Cooper was throughout the movie. And you’d probably piss your pants at the Grammy’s too.

Obviously, this show is full of wannabe musicians looking for love. And when I say wannabe, I mean that in the fullest sense, because if you’re turning to a dating reality show to try and “make it” in music, odds are you weren’t good enough to “make it” without the aid of a dating reality show. Meaning, the music in this show really isn’t that great. Now look, this is coming from a guy who knows how to play part of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band on the guitar. I grew up in Nashville and was the only person there who wasn’t musically gifted. But my ear is still trained enough to know when music sucks. And the music on this show sucks… as you’d probably imagine.

This show is for people who couldn’t make it on American Idol. And William Hung made it on American Idol.

Remember how Jed was your least favorite Bachelorette contestant of recent memory? Well now imagine an entire show full of Jed’s. Only these people would be lucky to land a dog food jingle gig. I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just annoyed. The worst person at every party is the guy who busts out his acoustic guitar and asks if people want to hear “Wonderwall.” This is an entire show full of that person.

Normally, I never recap the first episode of any Bachelor show because it’s my least favorite and half of the episode is just used to get to know cast mates. But since there are only six epsisodes in this mini-season, I felt like I had to. There are 12 men and 8 women, meaning 4 men would be sent home in the first episode. Sucks for ya, broskis.

Let’s Meet Some of These “Musicians”

Let’s run down a few of the people this show had produced packages for:

Brandon, 34: This guy is a former Marine. Thank you for your service. And he’s now working as a private security detail. He talks about how music got him through a lot of dark times while serving. Thank you for your service, again.

Bri, 28: Bri is a waitress, which is another way of saying, “I’m an aspiring musician.” She’s from Provo, Utah and was previously engaged, but she thinks her fiancé got scared. Scared of WHAT?! Bri didn’t get into specifics.

Sheridan, 27: This guy’s name is actually Sheridan, pronounced Sheraton, which is fitting because he’s about as gross looking as a hotel room floor. Although, the floor of a Sheraton would actually be an upgrade for him considering this dude lives out of his Subaru Outback. Also, he looks somewhere in between a full-size and skinny Jason Momoa.

Bekah, 25: I’ll allow one quote to describe Beks… “I don’t exist without musical theater.”

Gabe, 28: Gabe is from Houston. He loves sports and the Lord. Oh, and he plays the cello. He actually seems kinda normal. Gabe’s my guy.

Savannah, 25: She’s a yoga instructor from Nashville, so naturally she has a nose-ring. Savannah is very pretty, but she also knows she’s very pretty. How do I know? Because one of her quotes was, “If I’m looking for just a pretty face, I’ll go back and just pick one of the people at my modeling agency.” Sick way of bragging that you belong to a modeling agency, Savs.

Trevor, 29: Trevor has a dog and likes to write songs without a shirt on.

Dammit, Trevor. Put a freaking shirt on!

Trevor actually made an appearance on American Idol, where Katy Perry referred to him as “so hot.” Ugh. I blame you for this shirtless arrogance, Katy Perry.

Jamie, 21: If 21-years-old seems young for a show like this, Jamie proves that theory right. We meet her as she twirls in circles carrying a guitar case in the middle of the street in downtown Nashville. I swear, if she was any more cliché, she’d would’ve said something like, “Music is my love language.”

Wait, she DID say that.

Well, at least she’s not a waitress. She’s worse: a hostess. She also noted that every guy she’s ever dated has cheated on her. I can’t imagine why? (Yes, I can.)

Let’s Start The Mingling (And Awkward Group Singing)

Jamie, 21, is – of course – the first one to the house. She wanders around the house until the first guy shows up – Ryan, 28. The two of them grab a seat and begin sharing their life stories. Ryan talks about how he had brain surgery at the age of six and how that experience gave him a new outlook on life. Look, I’m sorry to hear he had brain surgery at such a young age, but how can you have a new outlook on life at the age of six?! Most boys that age don’t think about anything other than Power Rangers, let alone multiple outlooks on life.

Matt, 32, is the next man there. He’s a neo-soul singer, because of course he is. He has never seen The Bachelor, which oddly makes sense because I can’t imagine anyone who’s into neo-soul is into any sort of mainstream entertainment. He recognized Chris Harrison, but couldn’t think of his name, confusing him for Chris Hansen, Chris Hemsworth, etc. I’d actually love to see Hansen and Harrison switch roles for an episode. Could you imagine Harrison on an episode of To Catch A Predator? “This is your final rose of the evening… and for the next 25 years, as there are cops waiting outside.”

Then Savannah came in, followed by Mel, 27, an indie rocker from Brooklyn… aka, a waitress. Then there’s Rudi, 24, a studio vocalist from San Antonio who claims to have “dated all of LA already.” Ugh. Another artist trying to be the next Taylor Swift.

As Ryan bores Jamie with his traumatic childhood brain surgery stories, Trevor walks in and immediately steals her attention.

Then walks in Michael Todd.

The 31-year-old personal trainer from Atwater, California. The only thing Michael Todd likes more than music is Michael Todd. He’s the kind of guy who probably calls himself ‘The Toddfather’ in the mirror every night before he goes out. On night one, he tried stealing a kiss from Savannah, by saying, “I like your lips.” Then he leans in, as Savannah says “Thank you.” She does not reciprocate the lean, so he leans in further, biting his bottom lip, and says, “A lot.” Savs clearly does not share the same appreciation for his lips and just says, “I appreciate it.” Michael then says, “You don’t like my lips?” Dude, not sure if this Casanova charade works in Atwater, California, but it’s clearly not working here. ABORT!

Savs was not having it.

There are a bunch of other people who just kinda show up to the party who didn’t really get intros or any produced packages about them. And if ABC doesn’t deem them worthy enough of that on a show of only 20 people to begin with, then I’m not going to waste any time either.

After everyone arrives, Chris Hansen walks in and asks them all to have a seat at the counter. Then Ryan looks at Jamie and asks, “Wait, how old are you again?!”

No, I’m kidding. But wouldn’t that be awesome if Hansen and Harrison switched roles?!

Harrison walks in and explains that there are 12 guys to only 8 women, meaning four guys are going home. Then everyone is asked to disperse, pick their rooms, and continue flirting away – because every guy needs a girl to give them a rose.

Sheridan Momoa pulls aside a woman named Julia who he was eying pretty hard all night. As they chat, Brandon, the former Marine swoops in and steals her away. They sit by the fire and he hits her with the old, “Are you looking at my lips?” line. Subtle. Then shortly after, he leans in for a kiss. Now, just when you thought it couldn’t get any douchier than that, Brandon busts out a guitar and starts serenading her. Dammit. But then again, what else did we expect?

Speaking of douchiness, Matt takes Rudi to the hot tub and hits her with the classic “because time is of the essence on this reality dating show we’re currently on, do you judge a person by the way they kiss?” line. It unfortunately did not work for the neo-soul singer.

I remember I used that same line on my first girlfriend in high school. Unfortunately, didn’t work for me either. But hey, at least he got Rudi into the hot tub. The Toddfather couldn’t even get Bri to take a dip with him.

Meanwhile, Ryan is still talking about how his six-year-old outlook on life was changed to Jamie, which ultimately ends with a kiss. Awww, maybe we will see true love on this show?

Nnnnnnnnnope! Because like two minutes later, Jamie was a in a hot tub making out with Trevor.

So naturally, the next morning, the first date card goes to Ryan. And he naturally chooses Jamie.

Yes, This Show Has One-On-One Dates

And unfortunately, we got two of them in this first episode.

Ryan and Jamie go to Capitol Records in downtown Hollywood, where they meet Grammy-winning producer John Alagía. Ahh, yes. John Alagía. He’s probably my favorite Grammy-winning producer. He’s done, like, so much stuff. I could go on and on about him, but I won’t bore you.

One of the people he has produced for is John Mayer, who ironically enough, is who Ryan and Jamie will be covering in their recording session. Neat. (I feel like these one-on-one dates are not going to be very exciting for people outside of the music industry – especially if this first date is any indication).

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, a second one-on-one date card comes to Matt, who can’t decide if he wants to take Rudi (his hot tub friend) or Mel (who we haven’t seen him even talk to yet). He pulls each aside to talk to them one more time before choosing, and naturally, he chooses…. Mel.

Rudi is pissed.

This is Rudi’s “pissed” face.

She goes around the house trying to slander Matt, telling other women, “When we sat down, he was like, ‘What do you like to do? I’m taking you on the date.’ I swear. I sat down, he was like, ‘I want to take you on the date.’” But really, Rudi, he was doing you a favor by not taking you on that date, because it was only a “private” (with other people there?) concert by the Plain White T’s??? What the?

What? Was Fountains of Wayne busy? The only thing more surprising than the Plain White T’s making a cameo in this episode is that they did so without playing ‘Hey There Delilah.’ Can’t wait for the next one-on-one date when Los Lonely Boys performs!

Back to Ryan and Jamie… They record their John Mayer song and then go to the roof of the Capitol Building for a sunset make-out sesh. Oh, shocker. Jamie’s making out with someone again.

FUN FACT: My dad used to work for Captiol Records in that building. Did you know the architect of that building designed it to look like a stack of records piled on a needle? Cool, huh? Ok, back to the recap.

As the rose ceremony nears, Sheridan is getting nervous that Julia is going to give her rose to someone like Josh, who is a guy who was referenced as a ripped Mr. Clean, which doesn’t make sense, because Mr. Clean is already ripped. To me, he looked like a ripped Lex Luthor.

Why is Sheridan so concerned with Flex Luthor? I don’t know, probably because he walked in on them sucking face. That might have something to do with it.

So then Sheridan decided to pull out all the stops, and sat Julia down to play a song for her that he wrote – which I didn’t think would work, considering everyone in this house is a musician, but Julia ended up sucking Sheridan’s (very hairy) face, so apparently it did work.

Apparently Matt admitted that there wasn’t much of a spark between him and Mel and realized he’s probably not going to get a rose from her. So let’s circle back and see how Rudi’s doing?

Oohp. Still pissed, I see.

“I’m pretty sure I’m screwed,” Matt says, in arguably the truest statement of the night.

Meanwhile, Rudi falls for the Toddfather’s singing, and Trevor pulls aside Jamie, in a last-ditch to try and, like, get a rose, and tells her, “This isn’t, like, my last-ditch to try and, like, get a rose.” He adds, “I just want to hang with you… I just enjoy spending time with you.” Right, ok, Trevs. At least he had a shirt on, I guess. In fact, not only did he have a shirt on, but he had a Jed jacket on too. A Jed jacket is a Bachelor way of spotting a douche. He, of course, ends up kissing Jamie.

I swear, Jamie would make-out with everyone if her lips weren’t screwed on tight.

Now let’s clink some champagne flutes, because it’s time for…

The Rose Ceremony

Look at these bozos. This is like a who’s who of people I would never want to hang out with.

For this rose ceremony, the women will be handing out the roses, and if there’s one thing that’s more important than anything else, it’s to…

Don’t you love it when they say the title of the movie in the movie?

• Savannah gives her rose to Brandon
• Mel gives her rose to Gabe
• Bekah gives her rose to Danny
  • who the hell is Danny?!
• Bri gives her rose to Chris
• Julia gives her rose to Sheridan
  • she loved him in Aquaman
• Jamie gives her rose to Trevor
  • poor Ryan…
• Cheyenne gives her rose to Matt
  • apparently Matt wasn’t dead in the water?!
• Rudi gives her rose to… RYAN!
  • oh snap! I bet this will give Ryan a new outlook on life.

Meaning, Jack, Josh, Russell, and The Toddfather were sent home. If none of those names other than Michael Todd sound familiar, it’s because none of their faces looked familiar either. It’s like they were hired as extras for this show.

Questions of the Week

Normally I end each recap with questions of the week… but I hate this show too much. What am I going to ask? Do I still hate this show? Yes! Plus, there’s only six episodes.

Let’s just hunker down and get through this together. Again, I’m referring to this show, not quarantine.