Madison’s Last-Chance Date

Madison meets up with Peter at an airfield in the middle of nowhere, Australia. The two of them go up in a helicopter to “tour” the desert. Cool, I guess? I mean, how does that go?

“If you look out your right-side window, you’ll see a bunch of sand. And if you look immediately out your left-side window, you’ll see some more sand. Oh and don’t miss this sand over there. And how ’bout that rock? It’s big isn’t it? Guess what it’s sitting on? That’s right, sand!” It was probably this boring of a date that was the final nail in Peter and Madison’s relationship coffin. I’m sure Madison tried to think of a forever with this man, and then it was the helicopter tour of a desert that did it in. Because as soon as they landed, they set up a picnic in a field full of flies, Peter cheers’d to their love being “as strong as those rocks over there” (how romantic), and Madi went into full-on break up mode: “As much as we want this, I don’t know that we can, like, give each other what we need. Sometimes I think being a great warrior… is knowing when to surrender.”

Apparently, Peter’s family is colorblind. Those weren’t red flags Madi was showing, they were white flags.

Then Madison says she’s going to walk away so Peter can “get what he came here to find.” Peter is stunned, or in Bachelor contestant speak, he “can’t even.” He’s all like but didn’t you tell me you loved me literally the last time I saw you? Madison again blames the night of fantasy suites, but what she really meant was, “your family is crazy, and I don’t think I can put up with a lifetime of Barb crying. لعبت بوكر It would be more annoying than these Central Australian flies.”

Also, quick note to Bachelor producers: bug spray.

Peter walks her to her car and tries one last attempt at his siamese twin conjoined at the head ESP trick that he tried earlier in the episode, but unfortunately it does not work this time.

Also, as they hugged, you could definitely hear the heartbeats. Loud enough to where I wonder if ABC pipes in fake heartbeat noises the way CBS got caught for piping in fake bird noises during the 2000 PGA Championship. Time to come clean, ABC.

Madison drives away. Forever. (lol, suuuuure.)

The next morning, we get like an entire half-hour of shots of Peter’s super emotional blank stares into nothing. It was then when Chris Harrison shows up. (Again, he didn’t make the trip to Cleveland, but a free trip to Australia? You bet he’s in!) Chris Harrison’s voice asked, “How are you doing?” But the expression on his face said, “I couldn’t care less.”

Chris Harrison is all of us in this moment. This season has been a stairmaster.

Peter tells him, “I don’t know how to go about this. I’m mourning this relationship right now… but I also know that I’m in love with Hannah Ann.” Which you know is a lie, because if he was equally in love with H.A., the show would be over right now. What he meant to say is, “I don’t know how to go about this. I’m mourning this relationship right now… but I also know that I’m only keeping Hannah Ann around as a backup.”

Don’t feel bad, Hannah Ann. Tom Brady was once a backup.

Click the right arrow for Hannah Ann’s Last-Chance Date…