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A Recap of The Bachelor From A Guy – Episode 4

This week’s episode opened up with a group therapy session led by counselor Chris Harrison. He was talking to the women about the pool party, which left many of them very upset. Partially because they got little to no alone time with Peter, but mostly because nobody got in the damn pool.

You could tell Chris was feeling loose, because he had not one, but two of his dress shirt buttons unbuttoned. Initially, one might think, “Why is cool Chris Harrison looking so chill after a pool party that involved no pool?” Well, soon we learned it was because of the exciting announcement he was about to deliver. it was an announcement about where the girls would be spending their next week.

If you’re new to The Bachelor franchise, this is usually the point where Chris hits the girl with one of the most luxurious, scenic, or exotic locations on planet earth.You know, places like Bora Bora, Thailand, the Swiss Alps, or…

Cleveland, Ohio.

Which is exactly where they’re going this week, and of course, the women reacted about how you’d expect them to react.

Actually, they were somehow more excited than I thought they’d be.

First One-On-One Date

Today our love soars to new heights.

This first one-on-one date went to Victoria F. If you’re having trouble remembering which one is Victoria F., she’s the one who first told Peter that “the only thing dry about her is her sense of humor.” She’s also the one who looks like a grown up Lilo from Lilo and Stitch.

For their date, they went to Cedar Point amusement park in Sandusky, Ohio. Let me make that clear. Literally, the first one-on-one date in Cleveland didn’t even take place in Cleveland.

Victoria F. and Peter hop into a human slingshot, and you could tell Victoria F. was really nervous because her eyes were really big. No, I’m kidding. Her eyes are always really big. She’s like a Precious Moments figurine come to life. After being shot into orbit, they decided to sit down for some beers in an old diner in the park. First rollercoasters, then beer. ABC producers clearly had a bet as to whether they could get Victoria F. to throw up.

SIDE NOTE: Victoria F. gave a toast with her beer and then tapped her glass on the table before drinking it. This tells me she’s legit. Mad props, Vikki F. You won’t see many women giving that much attention to detail when drinking beer.

After the beers, Peter surprised Victoria F. with a private Chase Rice concert. For those who don’t know, Chase Rice isn’t just a clever name for a shot of saké. He’s apparently a very popular country singer, and oh yeah, just so happens to be Victoria F.’s ex-boyfriend. ABC producers were definitely trying to get her to throw up.

Damn, it was awkward. I’m not saying Chase Rice was a bad choice by ABC, but you’d surely never see this happen with Tenille Arts. The good news is at least country singers never write songs about exes.

Wait, that’s one of the only things they write songs about. In fact it’s on top of the power rankings of things country artists write songs about.

Power Ranking of Topics Country Artists Write Songs About

  1. exes
  2. pickup trucks
  3. girls who think my tractor is sexy

Oh, and did I mention it was raining? Weird, because I always heard northeast Ohio always has the most beautiful weather. Luckily for Victoria F., however, she didn’t borrow her mascara from Hannah B. so she didn’t have to worry about it running down her face. But I found this to be pretty symbolic as it was literally raining on Peter’s parade.

After the concert, Peter went up to Chase Rice (he has one of those names where you have to say both his first and last name every time) and started fan girl-ing out. After the coast was clear and Peter was mysteriously not around for a good amount of time, Victoria F. went up to Chase Rice and started ex girl-ing out.

Also, can we please stop calling these “private” concerts when there’s literally thousands of screaming girls in attendance too? That’d be like calling Cleveland a “good destination” for The Bachelor.

That night at dinner, Victoria F. comes clean and tells Peter that she used to date Chase Rice. This shocks Peter, but then also probably excited him as to now maybe he has the hookup for backstage passes and stuff. So he gave Victoria F. a rose.

Fittingly, the date ended with yet another private concert.

Group Date

Let’s tackle love together.

This group date was held at First Energy Stadium, or as we call it in the sports world, the Factory of Sadness.

Ironic that the group date card said “Let’s tackle love together” and then took them to the home stadium of a team that is not very good at tackling.

As a guy who works in and absolutely loves sports, it always makes me cringe whenever my favorite reality TV dating show clashes with sports. Often times these shows will be given access to whatever player is available, and regardless of who it is, The Bachelor will hype that athlete up as if they’re the resurrected ghost of Babe Ruth.

For example, Peter introduced Josh Cribbs as a “legend.”

NARRATOR: Josh Cribbs is not a legend.

What Josh Cribbs should’ve been introduced as was a good kick returner who now works as a special teams coaching intern with the Cleveland Browns, and/or the only person remotely tied to football that producers were able to book in the offseason.

Yes, Josh Cribbs has the NFL record for most kickoff return touchdowns, but he’s tied with Leon Washington (also not a legend) for that record. He also holds the NFL record for two kickoff returns of at least 100 yards in a single game, but even that record is tied with Ted Ginn Jr. In fact, the only NFL records Josh Cribbs holds are tied with at least one other person. He also holds a lot of Browns franchise records, but then again, who amongst us doesn’t, ya know?

This was almost has big of a facepalm as the time Jed called Jaylen Brown and Terry Rozier “two of the best guys in the league.”

Then again, Jedd also called himself a country artist, soooo….

I guess I can’t get too upset at The Bachelor for projecting false realities onto these women.

These girls were set to play a game of tackle football. I’ve come to the realization that ABC will not tone down the physical violence dates until at least one girl is taken away in an ambulance every season. Before the drills even started, Victoria P. came up to Peter and told him her back was hurting so she was going to sit out. Peter told her it was ok and she could “coach” with him on the sidelines, and by “coach” I mean they did about as much coaching as Josh Cribbs probably does as a special teams intern.

While the girls are slaving away at training camp tackling dummies and themselves (which is a tad redundant), Peter asks Victoria P. if she’d like a back rub. I’ve watched a lot of football in my life. I can’t remember the last time a coach gave another coach a back rub on the sideline. It’s not like Bill Belichick lights some candles and sensually caresses Josh McDaniels’ lower back. Now Bob Kraft? Probably. But not the coaches.

Fast forward a bit, and now the girls were suited up for the big game. As if football needed any more bowl games, ABC gave us the newly minted Bachelor Bowl. But since there were no trophies inside the Browns stadium, they had to resort to giving the winning team alone time at a private cocktail party that evening.

Naturally, the game had commentators. Although, neither of the commentators were Fred Willard, which made me instantly worried. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO FRED WILLARD, YOU BASTARDS!! IF YOU SO MUCH AS LAY A FINGER ON HIM, I SWEAR ON MY LIFE….

Also noticeably absent from the “broadcast booth” (read: card table set up to the side of the field) was Chris Harrison. In fact, come to think of it, Chris Harrison was nowhere to be seen in northeast Ohio. I love how he’ll travel to every exotic location this show goes to, but the one time they go to Cleveland, he’s like, “Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.”

The game was somehow being dominated by one team, until suddenly it wasn’t. The team that was winning for most of the night just kept handing the football off to Shiann, who ran for like 365 yards and 4 touchdowns. She was the Derrick Henry of this Bachelor mansion. Poor Mykenna is from Canada, so she was probably wondering why no one wanted to punt on third down.

All in all, it was a pretty bad football game, but somehow still more entertaining than last year’s Super Bowl. It ended in a tie, which they say is like kissing your sister, which I’m surprised they allowed on network television. All of the girls were visibly disappointed, which is actually the right feeling to have after a football game in Cleveland. They were upset there would now be 13 women sharing time with Peter at the evening’s cocktail party.

Little did they know they wished it was only 13 girls.

That night, Shiann was upset that Victoria P. had all that alone time with Peter while nursing her “back injury,” and rightfully so. Shiann scored more rushing touchdowns in that stadium than anyone in Cleveland Browns history.

As if Shiann wasn’t upset enough already, while she was sitting alone with Peter, in walked Alayah. Remember Alayah? The girl who speaks ten octaves higher around Peter and was kicked off the show last week. She asked Shiann if she could steal Peter for a minute so she could set the record straight. She then proceeded to tell Peter that Victoria P. was lying and that they knew each other more than ol’ Viks was leading him to believe. Oh great. What is she going to tell us next? That Victoria P.’s back didn’t actually hurt??

So Peter does what he does best and brings both girls together to settle it out amongst themselves, while he sits there awkwardly. I actually love this move. The girls bicker and shocker, continue to claim the other is lying, which leads Peter to walk away and ponder the meaning of life in front of a giant fish tank? What the???

Peter later apologized to Alayah for sending her home. Then kinda mumbled, “Doyouwanttocomeback?” Alayah paused as if she was really thinking about it. Sorry, Alayah, but Oscar noms have already closed. You can quit your acting. Of course she wanted to come back or else she wouldn’t have, oh, I don’t know… COME BACK!

So Peter walks back out to the other 13 girls who are waiting patiently for time with him, and my man proceeds to give the damn group date rose to Alayah.

I could not stop laughing. Not only was this girl literally kicked off the show last week, she then returns and didn’t even have to play football, and yet still got the rose. That would be like the NFL giving the MVP to a player who was cut during preseason camp.

Look, we all had our bad days, but Peter was having an exceptionally bad day. He gave the group date rose to a girl who didn’t even participate in the group date (and wasn’t even on the show anymore). He gave a back rub and ample amount of one-on-one time to another girl who didn’t participate, and oh yeah, gave a one-on-one date to Kelsey, the champagne psycho.

Second One-On-One Date

The second one-on-one went to Kelsey, and they really got to explore Cleveland…

Their first stop? A street vendor selling pierogi’s. Um, ok. Their next stop? An outdoor polk dancing group. Off to a really good start, Cleveland’s department of tourism. Then to cap things off, they went to a soapbox derby If you’re not sure what a real soapbox derby is, think the end of The Little Rascals movie, but a lot more depressing.

Then they went on a boat named the Nautica Queen docked on the Cuyahoga River in Cleveland, which was romantic, until you remember that river is one of the most polluted rivers in the United States. In fact, that river is so polluted, it’s caught on fire before. Yes, the river caught fire. And not just once. Not twice. THIRTEEN TIMES!

If it feels like I’m ripping on Cleveland too much, it’s because I am. It’s not you, Cleveland. I’m sure that city is actually dope and has a lot to offer. More than just the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. You know, like pierogi’s and polk music. It’s just when I watch The Bachelor, I expect to see them in some of the most exotic places in the world. Not places I could visit with my saved up Southwest points.

During dinner, which featured Peter in a turtleneck as if he was a late ’90s Banana Republic model, Kelsey opened up about her parents divorce and admitted it has led to unhealthy attachment issues, specifically with bottles of champagne. After dinner, they shot off fireworks, which again, should’ve probably been a concern being shot off that close to a river known for catching on fire.

Speaking of lighting things on fire, back at the house, Alayah had been telling people about Victoria F. and Chase Rice. While Alayah was on the outside, she read news leaks about the fact Victoria F. and Chase Rice used to date, so now that she was back, she started telling others before Victoria F. did. So Lilo, err, Victoria F. confronted Alayah, and her defense was, “Oh I assumed everyone knew.” And Victoria F. was like, “How in the hell would anyone know? We don’t have phones and or communication with the outside world.” Then Alayah got mad at Victoria F. for being so accusatory, and let’s just say Alayah might be more of a snake than we originally thought, and I’m so here for it.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party this week was wild and unlike any I’d ever seen on The Bachelor before.

These girls were in absolutely no mood to “wooo!” when Peter walked in. They were out for blood. Peter gave his little spiel about how he’s serious and in this to find love, blah blah blah, and then asked to speak with Victoria P. first, but before they could walk away, he was interrupted by Deandra and a couple other girls, who expressed how pissed they were at him. Deandra said, “Can I say something really quick? I’m sorry Peter, but I’ve never felt so under-recognized by somebody. And for us… who busted our ass out there on the football field and literally have the physical bruises to show, and then for you to come to the cocktail party and ignore us, half of us, who didn’t get time, and then walk in hand-in-hand with Alayah, it was like the biggest slap in the face. Like, I couldn’t even look at you.”

So we probably won’t see Deandra very much after this upcoming rose ceremony.

The girls all felt rightfully slighted, though. Not only did he bring back a girl who was kicked off the show, not only did he give her a rose, not only did he pay extra attention to the girl who essentially sat out from gym class, not only did he make Victoria F. go to a private concert with her ex Chase Rice, but he made them do all of this in freaking Cleveland.

Then Peter asked Victoria P. if he could talk to her for a minute, and she said, “I don’t want to talk to you right now.” But then left to talk to him. He then asked her to have a seat, and she said, “I’m too mad to sit right now.” But then immediately sat down. She was pissed that Peter not only brought back Alayah but made her other believe that Victoria P. was persuading him into thinking certain things.

Peter is in some real hot water (and I’m not referring to the Cuyahoga River). I actually love it, because Peter has been acting like an idiot this season, and he deserves to be snapped at. The biggest issue most Bachelors face is how to get the girls to straddle them in those tight dresses while they make-out and dry hump, while Peter has to figure out a way to get over a dozen women to not be pissed at him. Part of me hopes the girls overtake the Bachelor mansion, and tie up Peter in the basement and go all Netflix’s You on him.

And that’s where the episode ended. There was no rose ceremony this week, probably because Chris Harrison wasn’t there to let us know which one was the final rose of the evening.

Questions of the Week

Each week, I’ll answer some questions about that week’s episode.

Who Won The Night?

Chase Rice

I can’t stop saying his name. Chase Rice. Chase Rice. Chase Rice. What did San Diego Chargers defensive backs do all throughout Super Bowl XXIX? Chase Rice!

Who gets my rose this week?

Shiann

She helped me win my Bachelor Fantasy Football league this week.

Did Hannah B. show up in this episode?

No.

I’m starting to worry about her. I would’ve loved to see her join the pissed off woman brigade there at the end. Then again, with Peter’s knack for bringing on women who are no longer on the show, I’d expect her back by next week or so.

What is your prediction for next week based on the trailer?

One girl says, “This is drama.” Which is helpful and informative as if nothing else this season has been dramatic. Also there was a shot of my girl Tammy crying. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO TAMMY, YOU BASTARDS!! IF YOU SO MUCH AS LAY A FINGER ON HER, I SWEAR ON MY LIFE….

Oh, and we got our first ambulance sighting of the season in next week’s trailer! That’s when you know things are getting real.

Until next week… Buh-bye (PP).

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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