Monday, December 4, 2023

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

A Power Ranking Of The Best Places To Sleep In A Hockey Arena

Ever wonder what it would be like to spend the night with your teammates in an empty arena? Total Baker Mayfield style. Well, one lucky team from Alberta, Canada is living that reality. The Red Deer Rebels, a junior hockey team, are shacking up at the Western Park Centrium arena for the season. Honestly, no surprise this is happening in Canada, tbh. I actually thought most people lived in hockey arenas there. If not, igloos.

After getting a behind-the-scenes look at the Red Deer Rebels setup. It got me thinking about how fun this would be. So Austin and I took to our weekly IG Live show: Family Lunch to discuss what we thought the best place to sleep in the arena would be.

Here are the power rankings:

5. Box Office

Probably the quietest place in the arena. Especially when you consider the fact that no one other than you and your 25 best buds on the team is the only ones allowed in the arena. I’d have to imagine you’d see all the food (most important part) travel through the box office, so perhaps you would get first dibs? This is all speculation, of course. I have no idea as to the true inner workings of a professional sports arena. You also have the most computers per capita in this area. However, the major downside to the box office: lack of televisions. Then again, maybe you’re one of those people that needs complete silence and darkness when you sleep. In which case, the box office is your move.

4. The Ice

Hear me out. This is for the people that eat, literally sleep, and breathe hockey. The type of guy that sleeps in his skates. The type of guy that lives in the rink, quite literally. The type of guy that would take his skate off and try and stab someone. The type of guy that has a beautiful head of lettuce. The type of guy that’s cold-blooded.

Or just for those people who like their room cold and run the fan in the middle of winter.

3. The Main Arena

Not only does this room have an abundance of seating, but it’s also got so much room for activities.

And I’m not joking when I say that.

2. Concession Stand

The concession stand, to some, may not be the most ideal place to sleep, but hear me out. First off, you’ll never go hungry. Actually, that’s the only reason. Food is important.

1. The Box Suites

This is clearly the best place to sleep in the arena. Just imagine waking up, grabbing a fresh batch of stale arena popcorn from the popcorn machine that’s in every arena suite, a cup of coffee, and stepping out to the seats connected the box and waving good morning to your other buds on the team. It’s grabbing the paper at the end of your driveway when you live on a culdesac with your best friends. I would have to assume that the box life comes equipped with a fully stocked fridge and buffet-style food. And one of those attendants in a vest asking if you’re good every 5 minutes or so. And what box experience wouldn’t be complete without the dessert cart rolling around post-dinner? That actually seems like a pretty decent couch next to the bed, which I’m sure is facing a TV. Even if there isn’t a TV in the box, you just have a direct view of the jumbotron. Imagine you and your boys watching a movie before bedtime on the jumbotron. Something like Sudden Death starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. That movie’s great for arena watching. Thanks to some insider info from a cool kid during Family Lunch, we discovered that the box suites DO have wifi. And now obviously, a lack of privacy going on, but when you’re sleeping in an arena, is there really any privacy anywhere?


In conclusion, after extensive research and deep thinking, I’ve determined that it would be a grade-school sleepover every single night staying in a hockey arena. From shooting hoops to playing video games, to watching movies on the jumbotron, and oh right, I guess playing hockey too. It would be like going away to summer camp except it’s cold and you’re all extremely good at hockey. My main concern would be food, however. Imagine if there was a Chick-Fil-A in the arena and you wanted it on Sunday. Would be torture. Right, Falcons fans?


A.D. is a Steelers season ticket holder and remembers when Wiz Khalifa was good. He hails from Pitt(sburgh), and has swam in the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.


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