A Power Ranking of Henry’s

When you think about it, there are a lot of great Henry’s in the world today. So I figured I’d go ahead and put the debate to bed over which Henry is the best. You know, the age old debate of who the best Henry is.

Seems like America is torn right now. Not because of political discourse, but because no one will take the time to power rank the best Henry’s. Don’t worry, though. I did.

Why? Because this is a blog. This is the kind of stuff blogs do.

Before we get started, a few honorable mentions are: Henry Cavill (aka Superman and the guy who beat up Tom Cruise in the bathroom of the latest Mission: Impossible movie), Henry Thomas (Elliott from E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial and the most recent Xfinity commercial), and Henry Gibson (the actor who played the priest in Wedding Crashers).

10. Thierry

Pretty sure this is a handball.

Why is Henry Thierry ranked 10th and not higher? This may come across as a shock, but I’m not a big “soccer guy.” But it’s for no reason other than the fact that I don’t think I look good in scarves.

However, if I was a big “soccer guy,” I’d probably be able to tell you the number of goals he’s scored, the number of assists he’s tallied, and the number of orange slices he’s eaten. But again, I’m not a “soccer guy.” I don’t ride a fixed speed bike, I don’t listen to Bon Iver on repeat, and I don’t care if my coffee is “fair trade.” Hell, I sometimes get my coffee from the gas station.

9. David Thoreau

Would be ranked much higher in the power rankings of neck beards.

I wish I could give a good reason as to why this guy is ranked where he is, but I can confidently say I’ve never read anything Henry David Thoreau has ever written.

I was always more of an R.L. Stine guy.

8. the VIII

Or as everyone calls him, the Will Sasso of King Henry’s.

I would’ve ranked him higher, but it’s in his freaking name.

7. Ford

Ford cracks the top 10 for inventing the Model T, which you might think is low, but his family owns the Detroit Lions. This has to be the first time they’ve been in the top ten of anything outside of the NFL Draft order.

6. The Tank Engine

From the hit series Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends, Henry is one of the “and Friends.” Simply put, he’s the green one, or the one that looks like Ted Cruz.

If the characters from Thomas and Friends were characters from the American Pie franchise, Henry would be the Paul Finch of the game. Why? Because according to the Thomas The Tank Engine Wiki (and yes, there’s a Thomas The Tank Engine Wiki), this is how Henry is described:

Henry is generally well-behaved and friendly, but is sometimes arrogant. Henry is at heart, a very hard worker, but his frequent bouts of illness hinder his work. His illnesses almost always have something to do with his boiler.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think a Thomas The Tank Engine Wiki should be talking about one of the character’s boiler. Feels like more of a personal issue, in my opinion.

5. Rowengartner

If not for the next man on this list, Rowengartner would be the best baseball player named Henry. And for no other reason other than he’s clumsy AF.

If I slip on a baseball, I’m out of commission for 6 weeks minimum with lower back issues for even longer. Ol’ Henry slips on a baseball, and he’s pitching for the Cubs in that same amount of time. Now granted, this was the early-to-mid ’90s Cubs, when they would regularly sign up 6th graders to fill out their rotation. Don’t look it up. Just trust me on this. The ’90s were a rough decade for the North Siders.

Continuing our theme from earlier, if the characters from Rookie of the Year were characters from the American Pie franchise, Rowengartner would be Kevin Myers. Mainly because Henry Rowengartner WAS Kevin Myers.

4. Aaron

Of all the people on this list, no one has more home runs in their career than Henry “Hank” Aaron.

Although, that’s until Barry Bonds injects his name with some anabolic Henry just so he can pass Hammerin’ Hank again.

3. Oh

Oh Henry! has it all. Peanuts? Check. Caramel? Check. Fudge? Check. All covered in chocolate? Checkolate!

If the ingredients sound familiar, it’s because Oh Henry! basically asked Snickers if it could copy its homework, and Snickers said, “Sure, but change it up a bit so it doesn’t look obvious you copied.” So Oh Henry! just turned the nougat into fudge.

Plus, the name sounds like the catchphrase for a 1950’s sitcom with a character named Henry who would constantly screw things up.

2. Winkler

Many people think the Fonz’s best role was the Fonz, but that’s an insult to the man who’s career really started after he literally jumped the shark.

Personally, I think his greatest performances came as Coach Klein in The Waterboy, Children’s Hospital on Adult Swim, or my favorite, Scream, when he played a principle who threatened to gut one of his students like a fish while holding an obnoxiously large pair of scissors.

Oh, and he’s also fantastic in Barry.

1. Derrick

Ok, you caught me. This entire power rankings of Henry was conducted for the sole reason so I could gush over the best running back in the NFL right now.

Yesterday, Derrick added another 103 yards and 2 touchdowns on the ground. I’d say it’s just another day at the office for #22, but really, that’s like a day in the office where you bounce out at 1:30pm because you have a dentist appointment.

The Titans racked up 552 yards against the Oakland Las Vegas Raiders and only a fifth of that came from El Tractorcito. It’s like when Shakespeare In Love won Best Picture despite the fact Judy Dench only contributed eight minutes of screen time.

Ryan Tannehill is receiving a lot of credit for the Titans’ turnaround, but don’t forget the Heisman in his backfield. Over the last month, Derrick Henry has averaged 173.5 yards. AVERAGED! I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure that rounds up to 174 yards per game, and that’s only if you round up to the nearest one. Imagine if you round up to the nearest hundred. Then he’s averaging 200 yards per game over the last month. Want to take it further? If you round UP from to the nearest thousand, then Derrick Henry is averaging 1000 rushing yards per game over his last four games. That’s absurd. ONE THOUSAND YARDS PER GAME! I’d like to see Zeke Elliott do that. Derrick Henry is unreal.

Last week, he passed Steve McNair in the franchise’s all-time rushing ranks. Go ahead and pour one out for ol’ #9.

The thing NOBODY is talking about… Derrick passed Hoyle! HOYLE GRANGER! For the rest of eternity Hoyle Granger will now be looking up to King Henry XII on the all-time rushing ranks. Sorry ’bout it, Hoy.

NFL Network’s Good Morning Football gives out an award for the Angriest Runs every week. I look at this award the same way I look at the NBA MVP. If it was a true award, it would be given to LeBron James every single year, because LeBron James is the best player in basketball every single year. If GMFB’s Angry Runs award was a true award, it would go to Derrick Henry every. single. week. The dude runs like he’s been waiting at Jiffy Lube for nearly two hours when all he brought his car in for was a simple oil change. He doesn’t just break tackles, he breaks spirits. Wives of players who Derrick Henry has run over can no longer look at their husbands the same way after the King emasculated them on a football field. Marriage is hard. Tackling Derrick Henry is harder.

Consider yourself lucky to be living through the day and age of Derrick Henry. I imagine it’s a lot like how our parents and grandparents must’ve felt watching Walter Payton and Jim Brown. So take extensive notes, because when your grandkids come and sit on your lap and ask about the times Derrick Henry committed legal murder on a football field every time he touched a football, you’re going to want to provide extensive details.

I’ve seriously spent the last 3 and a half hours trying to think of someone who is better at football than Derrick Lamar Henry Jr., and absolutely no one comes to mind.

I’m sorry if you felt duped into reading a blog that power ranked Henry’s and it turned into some Derrick Henry appreciation blog, but it’s time we all appreciate how good this man is at carrying footballs for lots of yards.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.


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