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A Movie Review of Marshawn Lynch’s New Film, “Family First”

Fresh off Birdman’s 2015 Best Picture Oscar, the trailer for next year’s Best Picture winner has already been released. That’s it. Hollywood, go ahead and take the year off. We already know which film will win all of the gold statues next year. This movie is the Beautiful Mind, The King’s Speech, and Ben-Hur of movies completely funded by and starring an NFL running back. It’s Boyhood meets Boyz n the Hood. Seattle Seahawks running back and final play of the Super Bowl pass-blocker Marshawn Lynch stars as Marshawn Lynch in Family First: The Marshawn Lynch Story. This film chronicles Beast Mode’s journey to the NFL through high school and college football, his various run-ins with the law, and scenes of him hitting on women in clubs. But mostly it’s just scenes of him hitting on women in clubs. It’s a true coming-of-age film that has critics raving, saying things like, “I saw it six times and I still don’t know what it’s about,” and “It’s fun for the whole family, as long as you don’t care about your family,” and “I’ll wait until it comes out on Redbox to not watch this movie.” Critics unanimously agree that this movie makes Troll 2 look like Godfather 2.

The football scenes and action in this movie are almost as real as the football action in the Pro Bowl. This movie has it all. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll turn to the person next you and ask, “Wait, what did he just say? He keeps mumbling.” Don’t bother seeing this movie at the midnight showing on IMAX, because it’s already sold out nationwide. Apologies to Jurassic World, Terminator: Genesys, Star Wars: Episode 7, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Mission Impossible 5, Magic Mike XXL, and literally every other movie coming out this year, but the most anticipated movie of 2015 is Family First: The Marshawn Lynch Story, a movie that was probably shot and edited entirely on an iPad. Seahawks head coach Peter Carroll says, “I’ve seen it, it’s perfect. Well, almost perfect. Personally, I would’ve made a last minute decision to go with Ricardo Lockette for the lead role.”

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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