Monday, April 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

A Lil’ Hollywood Drama

Four months ago to the day went a little something like this:

Dodgers: “Hey Manny, what’s up?”
Manny: “Oh, notsing mush.”
Dodgers: That’s cool. Hey listen, we were wondering if you wanted to play for us for the next two years. We’ll give you 45 million dollars!”
Manny: “Umm… lemme sink about it.”

(Note: my Spanish accent is even bad when I write in it…)

Enter Scott Boras

Scott: “Yeah, sorry Dodgers, we want A-Rod type money! Six years, 27 million a year.”
Dodgers: “Ok, well we are just going to leave this offer out on the table… Keep in touch.”

Manny stated that gas was up, and so was he.
Now, four months later:
Obama was elected president, Brett Favre retired again, College basketball regular season started (and is now almost over), The New York Yankees won the 2009 World Series, Obama took office, Korked Bats doubled it’s number of writers, Heath Ledger got his rightfully deserved Oscar, Chris Brown showed us his Ike Turner impression, Phelps got high, A-Rod got caught again (only with ‘roids this time), Joaquin quit acting (and everything else by the looks of it), the St. Louis Cardinals did… well, absolutely nothing in the offseason, and Nickelback released their awesome new CD!

All that has happened while Scott and Manny waited for other teams to bid.

No one did.

Gas went down, and apparently so did Manny.
(Shoulda’ used a better analogy, ManRam!)

Dodgers: “Manny, you sure you don’t want this offer?”
Manny: “Yeah… I guess I wi..”
Scott (interrupting): “NO HE WON’T!”

The drama continues. (For another week.)

Then Scott Boras wakes up one morning, realizing that Spring Training has already started and no other team is going to bid on Manny. And his plan of having the Dodgers bid against themselves failed.

So then this week, Scott gives the Dodgers a call:

Dodgers: “Hello, this is the Dodgers.”
Scott: “Hey Dodgers, this is Scott.”
Dodgers: “Oh hey Scott, how it goin’?”
Scott: “Not bad… Listen, the reason I’m calling is because I was wondering if we could finalize this deal?”
Dodgers: “Oh look who comes crawling back. I guess you finally realized that we were the only team bidding.”
Scott: “What?!? No way dude… we have plenty of offers! Like… the Giants and… ummm… Dude, just don’t worry about it. Can we have that deal.”
Dodgers: “Sure thing… We can’t wait to get Manny back in L.A. He makes so much money for us. Not to mention he fits so well in L.A. with all our other immigrants.”
Scott: (long pause)
Dodgers: “Is that? Should I not have?”
Scott: “No, no, your good. I’ll fly to L.A. tomorrow to shake on this deal.”
Manny: “Not so rápido, my friends. I still has to pass my physicalla.”

Dodgers and Scott both look at Manny with a confused look.

Manny: “What? I’m just me being Manny!”
Dodgers and Scott in unison: “Oh Manny!”

(Live Studio Audience laugter)

That is how the Manny Ramirez deal went down. Trust us, we were there. So Los Angeles, it’s time to welcome back Manny to your town for two more (one more if the option is taken) years! I think America is ready to see Manny in Hollywood for a whole season. Then again, in Hollywood, seasons sometimes tend to get cancelled against the people’s will (coughMurphyBrowncough). So don’t hold your breath, L.A. But if he does stick around long enough, then it looks like The Hills just found their replacement for Whitney on Season 5!

Well, that’s that and now its all history. At least it didn’t take that long… (insert frustration here.)


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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