A Day In The Life Of Erik Spoelstra 3 – By: Rob Fee

June 10, 2014June 10, 2014 Guest

For the past two years during the NBA Finals, Korked Bats reached out to comedian Rob Fee (The Ellen Show, Mandatory.com, ThoughtCatalog, one of the funniest follows on Twitter) about the potential of writing a post about Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra. He agreed, and then agreed the next year, and now, the Heat have returned to the NBA Finals, and Rob agreed yet again to continue the tradition…

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Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra may take a backseat to his star-studded team, but he also takes a backseat in most cars. That’s because he usually rides in a carseat designed for children. To Erik, you can’t be too safe. Here’s a look at a normal day for Erik Spoelstra.

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8:00am

Erik wakes up and kicks off his Baby Einstein sleeping bag. It’s not an official piece of Baby Einstein merchandise. It’s a black sleeping bag that he wrote “BABY EINSTEIN” on with glitter pens. His patent is still pending.

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9:30am

Erik enjoys a hearty breakfast made every morning in his Creepy Crawler Lab. He hasn’t has a fruit or vegetable since grade school.

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10:00am

Erik asks him mom to pack an extra apple in his lunch today because he saw on a website that people were investing heavily in Apple. He thinks he’ll be able to sell it for big money.

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11:00am

Erik picks out his favorite Razr Scooter and tries to ride on the back of a car like Marty McFly on Back to the Future.

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11:30am

After failing to even get onto the street he asks his mom to drive him to the arena. She tells him if he can’t be responsible with his scooter then she’ll have to put it up. He’s very upset.

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1:00pm

Erik gets to the arena and tells one of the assistants there’s an emergency, and they need to come to his office ASAP. When the assistant gets there, Erik tells him that he thought he saw a snake. It was an extension cord that’s still in the box.

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2:00pm

Erik spends the next hour searching, “Can snakes transform into extension cords” on Google. He reads about the snake from Harry Potter and becomes mortified with fear that it is based on a true story.

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3:30pm

Erik calls a team meeting and makes every player verify that they each got his E-vite to a pizza party next week.

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4:30pm

Bosh keeps telling him that he doesn’t have email, and Erik has spends 30 minutes trying to set him up with a Hotmail account. Every time he says “Hotmail” Erik winks and says, “You know, like how I’m a hot…male.” No one laughs, but he won’t stop doing it.

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5:00pm

Erik asks Lebron and Wade if they’ll wear headbands with his Xbox gamertag written on them. They refuse, and he threatens to cancel the game.

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6:00pm

Rashard Lewis finally agrees to play Dance Central with him while everyone else warms up for the game. “How cool is Psy, huh?” asks Erik. Rashard pretends not to hear him. Eventually, they finish and go out to the court for tipoff.

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9:30pm

The game ends and when Gregg Popovich goes to shake Erik’s hand, he tries to do the “too slow” move, but he messes it up and ends up hugging Popovich instead.

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11:00pm

Erik asks one of the guys on the team to drive him home but they all tell him they’re going the opposite way. He has to call an Uber but makes the driver check his car for snakes first.

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11:30pm

Erik gets home and goes straight to bed. He sneaks his phone under the covers so his mom doesn’t see it and sends Bosh a picture of Shrek wearing a Miami Heat jersey with the caption, “Pretty Wacky Huh? He’s not even on our team!” He falls asleep waiting for an answer.

No answer ever comes.