A Day In The Life of Erik Spoelstra 2 – By: Rob Fee

June 13, 2013June 12, 2013 Guest

Last year during the NBA Finals, Korked Bats reached out to comedian Rob Fee (The Ellen Show, Mandatory, CBS, National Lampoon) about the potential of writing a post about Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra. He agreed, and the post was hysterical. Now the Heat have returned to the NBA Finals, and we again reached out to Rob to continue the tradition…

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Is there anyone that looks more like a child in professional sports than Erik Spoelstra? Every Miami Heat game feels like you’re watching some bizarre sequel to Rookie of the Year. What would it be like to follow the man boy around for an entire day? Here’s a look at a day in the life of Erik Spoelstra.

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8:00am

Erik’s Lightning McQueen bed begins to shake as his alarm is going off. Erik hits the snooze button on his Tommy Pickles alarm clock.

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9:00am

Erik’s mom pulls his blankets off and insists he change out of his novelty Blue Man Group footed pajamas and get ready because he has a big game tonight.

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10:30am

Erik gets out of the shower and is immediately furious because his mom cut his pancakes into triangles when he specifically asked for squares. (Triangles look like shark’s teeth and that’s a little too scary.)

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11:00am

Before leaving for the arena, Erik stares in the mirror for a half-hour trying to move quicker than his reflection. He is unsuccessful.

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Noon

Erik gets to the arena and opens a Jem and the Holograms lunchbox filled with pre-opened Lunchables. (He has a hard time with the plastic so his mom helps him out.)

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1:00pm

Erik puts invitations in every player’s locker to a Sadie Hawkins dance he is throwing next week when his parents are out of town. He can’t stop giggling.

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1:30pm

Erik tries to have a meeting with the team but Bosh keeps throwing a tennis ball which Erik chases out of the room every time like some sort of terrier. The players laugh at first, but then it just gets sort of sad.

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2:30pm

Instead of going over plays, Erik makes the team each open up their laptops and ‘Like’ all of his Facebook statuses. He walks around taking pictures with each of them as they do it. Haslem still won’t accept his friend request so he won’t be playing tonight.

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3:45pm

Erik yells for help and finally gets helped down from the hat rack that Bosh and Wade hung him on in his office as a prank. He’s been sobbing and has clearly urinated his pants.

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4:30pm

Erik tries to suspend the entire team for being mean to him. He threatens to go to the local animal shelter and adopt a bunch of dogs to take their place because “if Air Bud can do it, so can they!”

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5:00pm

Lebron apologizes on behalf of the team and says he will wear Erik’s friendship bracelet during the game tonight to make up for it. Erik does a cartwheel and doesn’t notice Lebron toss it in the trash.

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6:00pm

While the players are warming up on the court, Erik is reading Fraggle Rock fan fiction on his phone. He is a very active member of the message boards.

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7:00pm

The game tips off but all Erik can think about is the Gorton’s fish sticks his mom text him about. “I wonder if she got ketchup as well.” He unintentionally says aloud. Juwan Howard stares at him, but Erik pretends it was something about basketball.

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10:08pm

The game is over and Erik makes all the players come back to the locker room and name their favorite character on Yo Gabba Gabba! Ray Allen doesn’t know what that means so Erik keeps saying “Ray is such a Brobee! He’s a total Brobee!”

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11:00pm

Erik arrives home and has to go to bed without milk because he forgot to do his chores this morning. He tries to text Lebron and Wade some funny pictures of The Grumpy Cat but they gave him a fake number. He turns on his favorite Ray Stevens tape on his walkman and goes to sleep.

Goodnight sweet prince.