Sunday, April 21, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

7 Things Sean Payton Could Do Now That He Is Done With Football

After all the smoke from the media had gotten thicker than the smoke at a Willie Nelson concert the past few days, Sean Payton finally confirmed he is stepping away from coaching the New Orleans Saints. Sean Payton doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who can throw on a Tommy Bahama shirt and retire into the sunset. He’s a working man. He’s going to do something. And I mean more than just work in the wood shop in his back yard (though who wouldn’t be dying to buy an over priced bird house from “Payton’s Pieces” shop on Etsy). Currently, all the reports point to him joining the media. That’s such a tired act. John Madden already did it better than anyone else could hop to do it. So I’ve come up with a list of other options that might be suiting for him.

Dive Into Mall Security

Sean Payton comes from a coaching background. So you already have the necessary traits of what it takes to patrol the walkways of American consumerism. He knows how to tackle. He knows how to protect. He knows how to serve, even if it is just a suspension. He will know just what to say when those sassy mall walkers give him the faintest of lip. He just spent a year coaching Jamies Winston, so understanding how teen boys think won’t be hard and he’ll have the inside to stopping shoplifters. There is also the possibility that after spending years of showing up in games on CBS, being a mall cop could turn out to become what he’s most known for.

Join the Local Fire Department

We already know Sean can serve and protect. I could also see Sean running through fire, or getting kittens out of trees. The only thing I might caution him on this one is that this decision may not be received well by the critics. They may see it as distasteful and shot at the true firefighters who have worked hard to get to where they are. My guess is, it would come in with about a 15% approval rating. Either way, I can guarantee you it won’t be funny.

Train to be an MMA Fighter

Now, being a member of Korked Bats and our storied history with the [REDACTED] (I’m not allowed to use the name here just in case Dana White sees it and thinks I’m trying to steal his content), this one is hard for me. However. I could see it happening. You just might have to treat Payton like he’s Michael Scott and explain it all to him like he is 5.

“No Sean. You don’t pay someone to injure that guy. In this scenario, you’re the one who gets paid to try and break his body. Will you get suspended for it? No. Of course not. This is what you are here for. I promise. You won’t get suspended.”

Join UPS

No more what can brown do for you. Now, its what can Sean do for you. And you know what they say. Once you go postal, you don’t go back. Or something like that. After years and years of wearing pants, maybe Sean is ready to slap on a pair of short shorts and make sure your packages are delivered right on time, or even early. Much like a Nickell Robey-Coleman hit on Tommy Lee Lewis. The only caveat here is, he might have to become a Jets fan. And he’ll probably only deliver once.

Become a Zookeeper

If Payton is tired of working with human beings, maybe he can shift to working with animals. And if you think he’s unprepared to work with animals, think again. Lord knows after years in a locker room he’d be used to the smell. And I know what you’re probably going to say here. You’re probably saying, “Hey! If he joins the media, he’d be working with animals too!” And to that point, I say, *ZING!* GOOD ONE.

Take Dancing Lessons

Or if Payton is not looking to get back into work just quite yet, he could always take time to work on himself. He could take a dance class to impress his friends out in the club. Maybe invite Rodger Goodell to the local New York dance club and just dance the night away and he could potentially meet a girl who shares a name with a non-drowsy allergy relief brand who will love him for him.

Go on a Trip with Some Old Friends


Payton could always get the gang back together. He could ask Drew Brees, Jonathan Vilma, Jeremy Shockey and Gregg Williams to take a trip. Get away for, oh I don’t know, say a fourth of July weekend. And maybe, Peyton Manning will be there and challenge them to a rematch for old time’s sake. I don’t know. This is all just hypothetical. But I bet people with families would watch that, even though it doesn’t make sense.

Honestly, Sean Payton has a lot to think about. And realistically, we all know he’s going to have options. We all know Mike McCarthy isn’t long for Dallas, so maybe the former Saints coach is just biding his time. And if he does get into media, he’d probably be good at it. He can’t be worse than Drew Brees. So good luck, Mr. Payton. I can honestly say that I can definitely wait to see what you’ll do next.


MOB lives in Nashville, Tennessee and is one of the co-hosts of The CineBoiz Podcast. Some would say he peaked in 3rd grade when he led his soccer team in scoring with 2 goals.