7 Best Candidates To Replace Brett Brown As Sixers Head Coach

Now that Brett Brown has been fired (thanks in large part to the subtle nudging by Korked Bats Philly), it’s time for this organization to move forward. With most change, there is good news and bad news. The bad news: the organization seems to be in major disarray, with stupidly large contracts to stupidly overrated players. We’re looking at you Tobias Harris and Al Horford. The good news: no matter who the 76ers chose to be the next head coach, it’ll be an upgrade from the steaming pile of garbage they had courtside for the last 7 years! BONUS GOOD NEWS: As the website that led the charge to fire Brett Brown, we feel obligated to help find his replacement! So we’ve compiled the 7 best candidates to replace Brett, one for each year of my life he wasted. Truly burn in hell, Brett. You will not be missed.

1. Herb Brooks (as played by Kurt Russell)

There’s no denying he’s the top candidate, as this is what this organization needs–a Miracle. This no nonsense coach led a bunch of scrub college kids to sports immortality by beating the Soviets in their favorite sport. No, not Communism, ice hockey. His brutal training regimen and hard-ass tactics whipped those college kids into an actual unit. His attitude is perfect to help the young Sixers stars grow up. Plus, now that Uncle Brett is gone, Ben in particular can stop being coddled. Herb is famously known for forcing his team to do “Herbie’s” (hockey’s version of a suicide sprint) after one of their games during the Olympics, one in which they tied Norway 3-3. I’m all for a guy that doesn’t tolerate mediocrity and just getting by–something that Burnt Brown seemed to be OK with.

This is all Ben will be seeing in practice until he develops a shot and uses it in a game.

2. Hip-Hop

For those unfamiliar with this legend, Hip-Hop was a manlike rabbit who wore shades, and a durag. He served as the 76er’s mascot in the 90’s and early 2000’s and was a fan favorite. Unfortunately, he was stripped of his position, due to him striking fear into little kids (and a few adults). In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s that creepy ass rabbit from Donnie Darko. Hip-Hop has been unemployed ever since, and it breaks my heart to see one of Philadelphia’s favorite sons struggle for over a decade. Hip-Hop might be an unconventional choice, but he could strike fear into our players and use that as motivation. Plus he could perform sick trampoline dunks at halftime. Win-Win!

3. Allen Iverson

This one makes sense for a number of reasons. First, the Answer is a Philly legend who will always be loved. Not to mention the players will love him for his stance towards practice. Another bonus: he already loves his “little dudes,” and will coach them up in his own A.I. style; getting wasted every night at TGI Fridays and treating walkthroughs as nap-time in order to sober up for game time. Sure, it might blow up in our faces, as Iverson has already bailed on coaching in Ice Cube’s Big 3 league, but it’ll definitely lead to some laughs.

4. Jackie Moon 

The 76er’s clearly lack depth, so it makes sense to go with a player-coach. Two birds, one stone, amirite? In steps Jackie Moon to solve all of Philadelphia’s problems. Not only is he the inventor of the alley-oop, but his patented granny-style free throws could really help Ben Simmons’ atrocious foul shooting! Also, I’m down for the 76ers adopting a strict afro policy. That’d be sweet.

5. Frank Reynolds

Philly can be a little sleazy and greasy at times, but they are also hard-nosed and prioritize winning at all costs–which is exactly what Frank embodies, and it’s why we love him. The Warthog will bring his cut-throat style of leadership and endless amounts of funds for schemes, pranks, and things of that nature, and he will right this ship. Hell, he might even have enough money to force a sale from these morons that are currently running the team. The current ownership group has no heart, is too busy worrying about their other investments (the New Jersey Devils and Crystal Palace soccer club), and doesn’t know what it means to be a Philadelphian. Frank does. With Charlie, Mac, Dennis, and that stupid bird rounding out his coaching staff, the 76ers will be in good hands. As we saw when “The Gang Gives Back” to the community, it always works out. Whether it’s arming the players with thumb tacks to put between their fingers, or steel toed boots to use down in the paint against the opponents, Frank will do what it takes to win. Lastly and most importantly, he’ll provide all stadium vendors with Wolf Cola and all of the players with Fight Milk. This is the formula for success and the one the city could really use in this time of need.

6. Jimmy Dugan

There’s no crying in baseball, and there’s definitely no crying in Philadelphia. Unfortunately, the Sixers’ two biggest stars are also two of the biggest babies in the league. Jimmy Dugan is a man from The Greatest Generation and a coaching icon. He is a champion–having coached the Rockford Peaches to an AAGPBL (All-American Girls Professional Baseball League) championship in its inaugural season. He is a former professional athlete, starring for the Chicago Cubs and hitting close to 500 home runs, so he can somewhat relate to the players. Lastly, and most importantly, he is a prolific cynic and alcoholic, which is what one needs to be in order to survive in The City of Brotherly Love. He took a bunch of misfits during a time of disarray and turned them into champions…maybe he can do it just one more time. He’s also probably dead by now. But just in case he’s not…

7. Shaquille O’Neal and Sir Charles Barkley

The Sixers organization is known for its experimental philosophies–most recently and famously is The Process. Given the recent sweep by the Celtics and the currently bleak outlook of the team’s direction, I believe it is time for a new experiment. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the NBA’s first ever co-head coaches–Shaq and Chuck (technically LeBron co-coached the Cavs one year with some random guy who I’m pretty sure was a Soviet spy).

These two NBA legends could be the right cogs in the wheel to finally get this Sixers engine going. With a good-cop/bad-cop methodologically, it’ll be the perfect amount of salty and sweet to garner the love and respect from the players, something that has been sorely missed since the days of Larry Brown. Brett is a nice guy, but that’s all he is. He couldn’t be tough, and he never demanded excellence. The Round Mound of Rebound, on the other hand can be tough, as one of his more memorable moments is throwing a guy through the front window of Phineas Phoggs, a Houston bar, after having ice thrown in his face. When a judge asked Charles if he had any regrets about the incident he simply replied, “Yeah. I regret not being on the second floor.” That’s Chuck. He’s a fighter and he doesn’t apologize–Philly needs that. The Shaqtus has an infectious personality, despite his intimidating stature, and he has the respect of every player around the league. Not to mention he can reel Chuck in when he flies off the handle. Plus, with a great low rate you can get online, Shaq will take the team to the General to save some time on car insurance.

These are the coaches that can get the maximum out of these players while also holding them accountable–something Brett could not do.

It might seem like a dark time Sixers fans, but just remember, it’s always darkest before the dawn. Sure, we were just swept out by our rivals in the first round when we were promised to be a championship contender, but we still have Embidd and Simmons (until that idiot Elton Brand trades one of them for below market value). It’s hard to be at rock bottom, but it’s also comforting to know that you can only go up from your lowest point. No matter who the 76ers pick to replace Brett Brown whether he be a fictional movie character or literally dead, it will be an improvement from Brett Brown.

Hubb also contributed to this piece.