50 Things Giancarlo Stanton Can Buy With His New Contract

Giancarlo Stanton Contract - Logo2

As you’ve probably heard, Giancarlo Stanton recently inked a 13-year deal worth $325 million with the Miami Marlins. That’s more money than you have. That’s more money than most people have.

We compiled a list of fifty (50) different things Giancarlo could buy with $325 million.

  • friends (he may not need to pay for these, they’ll just start coming around on their own)
  • That coffee shop from Friends
  • Some talented teammates (let’s be honest, he needs some)
  • Monopoly Luxury Edition
  • about 3 months of rent for a one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn
  • any MacBook (but only one)
  • the opportunity to buy followers to raise his Klout score
  • a lock Jon Bon Jovi’s hair
  • some clothes
  • brunch with David Duchovny
  • a Super Soaker 300 (that’s the one with the backpack)
  • a helicopter
  • a Lamborghini
  • the actual glass egg from Risky Business
  • the original cast of Star Wars to act out every movie, line by line, privately, in his own home
  • MySpace
  • The country of Micronesia (roughly $320 million)
  • The country of Palau (roughly $260 million)
  • The country of Kiribati (roughly $170 million)
  • The country of Marshall Islands (roughly $170 million)
  • The country of Tuvalu (roughly $30 million)
  • The country of Zamunda (roughly made up from the movie Coming To America)
  • Majority stake in the Miami Marlins (net worth: $500 million)
  • Minority stake in the Los Angeles Clippers (net worth: $2 billion)
  • Multiple steaks at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse (net worth: $1,100)
  • happiness (contrary to popular belief, money can buy this)
  • Jose Canseco’s finger on eBay
  • like eight (8) tanks of gas… amirite?! (Thanks, Obama!)
  • like pretty much nothing, after taxes… amirite?! (Thanks, Obama!)
  • a winery
  • hire Leonardo DiCaprio to draw him like one of his French girls… wearing this, wearing ONLY this.
  • three (3) venti drinks from Starbucks
  • plastic surgery to repair his caved-in face
  • plastic surgery to look like Justin Bieber
  • plastic surgery to look like Nicolas Cage, then plastic surgery to look like John Travolta, hundreds of doves, and the original screenplay of Face/Off
  • lower level tickets to one (1) Dallas Cowboys game
  • Macauley Culkin as his personal butler
  • the rights to the song “Save Tonight” by Eagle-Eye Cherry
  • Tom from MySpace
  • Litterally 325-times the amount of stuff that kid bought with only $1 million in Blank Check (however, factoring in for inflation, it might only be like 275-times, but still)
  • 1 dalmatian
  • 101 dalmatians
  • 101 Dalmatians on Blu-Ray
  • Donald Trump to attend your party (He rents himself out for $300,000 an hour… This isn’t a joke. He really does this.)
  • get Jameis Winston to shave a few points on any game
  • Justin Timberlake to personally fly to his house and say, “325 dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? 325 million dollars.” (You know, kinda like his line in The Social Network?)
  • Everything named in the song “If I Had A Million Dollars” by Barenaked Ladies
  • a time machine and a Gray’s Sports Almanac
  • 252 million RedBox movies (for one night only, though)
  • a bald eagle trained to play paintball

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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