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Friday, March 29, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

45 Things Gerrit Cole Can Buy With His New $324 Million Contract

This might come as a surprise, but the New York Yankees spent a lot of money on a free agent. I know. Who saw this coming? The only people who saw this coming were the Houston Astros, only because they know everything other teams do before they do it.

The Yankees signed Gerrit Cole for 9 years, $324 million, which is just slightly more than the $8.8 million George Steinbrenner bought the Yankees for in 1973.

You don’t need an economics degree to know that’s a lot of money. Although, if you did have an economics degree, it would be nice for like job interviews and stuff.

If you’re poor like me, you’re probably wondering what someone could buy with that kind of cash. So I put together a list of 45 things (get it? because Gerrit Cole wears number 45) that he can buy with his new contract.

  • friends to hang out with
    • although, he probably won’t need to pay for these, they’ll just start to come around on their own
  • the entire cast of FRIENDS to hang out with
  • a SuperSoaker 300
    • that’s the one with the backpack
  • The country of Micronesia – roughly $320 million
  • The country of Palau – roughly $260 million
  • The country of Kiribati – roughly $170 million
  • The country of Marshall Islands – roughly $170 million
  • The country of Tuvalu – roughly $30 million
  • The country of Zamunda – roughly $15 for the Blu-Ray of Coming To America
  • a commercial during Sunday Night Football ($685,227), a commercial during Thursday Night Football ($540,090), a commercial during This Is Us ($359,413), a commercial during The Masked Singer ($201,683), a commercial during The Voice on Mondays ($192,983), a commercial during Grey’s Anatomy ($186,026), a commercial during The Voice on Tuesdays ($179,951), a commercial during 9-1-1 ($172,215), a commercial during New Amsterdam ($172,085), and a commercial during Empire ($171,187)… and do it again 112 more times.
  • 64 commercials during the Super Bowl
  • over 8,000 Tesla Cybertrucks
  • new window replacements for his Tesla Cybertrucks
  • the most expensive apartment in New YorkTHREE TIMES!
  • Majority stake in the New York Islanders (net worth: $520 million)
  • Minority stake in the New York Knicks (net worth: $4 billion)
  • Multiple steaks at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse (net worth: $1,100)
  • 2.5 million months worth of free subway rides on his MetroCard
  • one (1) lower-level ticket to a Super Bowl featuring the Dallas Cowboys
    • lol, jk… the rarity of that ticket would make it worth well over $324 million
  • a set up in Yankee Stadium with a camera, the proper wires, a monitor, a trash can, and something to bang the trash can with
  • 251 million RedBox movies… but for only one night each
  • 178,000 shares of Amazon stock
  • three (3) venti drinks from Starbucks, amirite?!
  • literally 324-times the amount of stuff that kid from Blank Check bought
    • he only made his blank check worth $1 million
    • factoring in for inflation, it might only be like 275-times, but still
  • plastic surgery to change your face to look like Nicolas Cage’s
  • then plastic surgery to change your face to look like John Travolta’s
  • an excess amount of doves
  • …and the original screenplay of Face/Off
  • pay Kylie Jenner to post about you about 300 times ($1.26 million per post) on Instagram
  • that egg from Instagram
  • a bribe big enough to get your kids in USC
  • Everything named in the song “If I Had A Million Dollars” by Barenaked Ladies literally 324 times
  • that banana taped to a wall
  • pay for Justin Timberlake to personally fly to his house and say, “324 dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? 324 million dollars.”
  • 8.5 million trips to the top of the Empire State Building
  • OR… 4.4 million trips to the top of Empire State Building with the “Skip The Line” pass
  • pay for the complete redesigned CGI for the new Sonic The Hedgehog movie
  • multiple Derek Jeter gift baskets
  • over 32,000 Princess Diana TY Beanie Babies – net worth: $10,000
    • but just wait, one day they’ll be worth over a billion!
  • pay Taylor Swift (booking fee no less than $1 million) to sing Welcome To New York every night for nearly a year
  • the website MySpace (which is still around)
  • Tom from MySpace (who is still alive… I think)
  • 360 brand new Sbarro franchises
    • so he can have some authentic New York style pizza
  • every Gerrit Cole Pirates jersey left on the market to get people to forget that he pitched there
  • give every person in America 98 cents
    • or roughly how much the Yankees have left to spend on other free agents

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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