31 Ideas of What Penn State’s “Major Announcement” Could Be

January 10, 2014January 10, 2014 Austin

Penn State announced on Friday that they will host a press conference with Athletic Director Dave Joyner and University President Rodney Erickson at 4:30 on Saturday to make a major announcement. Many believe this “major announcement” will be the announcement that Vanderbilt’s James Franklin will be their next head coach.

We’re not so sure. In fact, we’ve come up with a list of ideas as to what else this “major announcement” could be:

Kanye West is coming to the Bryce Jordan Center in February.
Something about the Freeh report.
Something about the NCAA.
Dave Joyner just had a bet with Rodney Erickson to see if he could get the national media to State College on a weekend.
To schedule upcoming downtown student riots.
To announce the hiring of a coach no one wants, causing downtown student riots.
They’re removing the names off of the back of their jersey’s because most of their player’s names are hard to read anyway.
They’re hiring Missouri quarterback James Franklin to be their next head coach.
They’re hiring the removed Joe Paterno statue to be their next head coach.
There is a new kale flavor at the Penn State Creamery.
Penn State is joining the Pac-12.
Penn State is joining the Big 12.
Penn State is joining Ocean’s 12.
They’re taking James Franklin from Vanderbilt, but also, just to be jerks, they’re taking Vanderbilt’s 40,000 seat stadium and making it another upper-deck for Beaver Stadium.
They’re going to get everyone caught up on The Bachelor.
They’re going to create their own version of The Bachelor, but with college coaches.
They’re going to give back stories on the new scholarship players they have coming in next season. Will literally only be a 3-minute announcement.
To show off Instagramed pictures of the thermostats in their cars. #KelvinFilter
To inform students that basketball season has started and is actually still a thing.
To encourage the students who are already camped outside Beaver Stadium for the 2014 season to not do that. At least until March.
How to properly pronounce defensive end C.J. Olaniyan’s name.
They’re not announcing anything in particular. Just wanted to make sure they’re PR department could convene everyone for when they actually do have an announcement.
To spend an hour making fun of Bill O’Brien’s chin dimple.
To announce where they’ve been hiding the removed Joe Paterno statue.
To announce they’ve been hiding the removed Joe Paterno statue in Bill O’Brien’s chin dimple.
To brag about being “pedophile free since 2003.”
To announce that Bill O’Brien actually never left Penn State and that it was all just an elaborate viral prank conducted by Jimmy Kimmel.
They’re conducting a telethon for schools to donate scholarships to Penn State.
To explain that a Nittany Lion is basically just a mountain lion that lives on nearby Mount Nittany.
Announce the the schedule of events for this year’s THON Weekend.
They want to just make fun of Ohio State’s strength of schedule.