2013 Korksman of the Year
The Korksman of the Year is an award much to the liking of Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year. Although, unlike SI, we don’t feel like giving Peyton Manning any more publicity than he already gets. I mean, the guy is literally in every primetime football game. And then he’s in every commercial of every primetime football game. And then sometimes he’s even in your living room. It’s creepy. I mean, yes, he’s really good at football, but so is my Uncle Mike. He played at Ohio Wesleyan. He was an all-conference honorable mention. You don’t see him hosting Saturday Night Live. You don’t see him making ridiculous cell phone commercials. You don’t see him spending his free time watching film in hot tubs with a helmet on. (Although Uncle Mike does spend an abnormal amount of time in hot tubs.) Just saying, Peyton Manning never even beat Florida. We’re giving all this love to a guy who missed out on the Heisman Trophy to a guy from the Big Ten. Let’s take a step back people! Let’s take a look at the guy we’re giving all this attention to. Let’s pump the brakes a little bit.
So, our 2013 Korksman of the Year is not Peyton Manning. (And it’s not Uncle Mike, either.)
In fact, this year, we allowed you to vote for who should be this year’s Korksman of the Year. Read about this year’s winner below.
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Every year seems to have it’s sweetheart. In 1953, it was Marilyn.
In 1961, it was Audrey.
In 1986, it was Molly.
In 1991, it was Julia.
In 2000, it was Jennifer.
In 2009, it was Taylor Swift.
Although some people thought it was Beyoncé.
And now, in 2013, it was (the idea of) Lennay.
No one captivated the world quite like Miss Kekua. Like any great star out of Hollywood, she was beautiful, sweet, and 100% fake.
Lennay didn’t win over the hearts of America instantly. In fact, many of us didn’t know who she was until February of this year. (Manti Te’o included.) Although, when America learned of Lennay, we couldn’t look away. Like Rob Ryan making eye contact with an Olive Garden.
As a nation, we all learned the intriguing details behind Miss Kekua. We first learned she wasn’t real. We then learned the love story behind it all. And then we learned Kaite Couric has a syndicated daytime talk show.
Sure, Lennay may not have been real, but she was real in our computers. She was real in our minds. And most importantly, she was real in our hearts. I’m not entirely sure what that means exactly, but she was. She was real in our hearts.
This whole story reminded me of the old saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?” Well, if Manti Te’o falls in love on the Internet and no one is there to confirm whether the girl is real or not, is it still love? I say yes. I say yes with an exclamation mark with a heart as the dot.
It’s like when we were younger and all fell in love with Jessica Rabbit. If you tried to tell me that she was just a cartoon and wasn’t real, I would’ve said, “What do you mean she’s not real? I’m looking right at her! She’s right there helping Roger Rabbit and Eddie defeat Judge Doom.” I don’t mean to get sappy, but loves knows no bounds. Love doesn’t care if something is real or not. Just ask Heidi Montag’s husband.
Then we learned who was behind it all.
Ronnie Tuiasosopo
Seriously? This dude?
Ok, forget everything I just said about love. This is weird. He’s not even that good looking of a dude. It’s no surprise this guys is trying to meet people online. He looks like Manti Te’o ate his teammates. Ronnie Tuiasosoalsopopssosopo (or how ever you spell it) must have a lot of free time on his hands to carry out this hoax for nearly three years. It’s hard to keep a real relationship for that long, not to mention one where you’re pretending to be someone else. It seems like Ronnie watched a little too much Mrs. Doubtfire as a kid.
I’m sure Manti Te’o would agree when I say Ronnie Tuiasosopo is the definition of buzzkill.
However, let’s just enjoy his work without bringing much notoriety to him. It’s kind of like Kanye West’s music. The music is creative, unique, and artistic. The guy who makes it is not. Ronnie created an American sweetheart, and her name is Lennay Kekua.
Lennay passed away suddenly on September 11th or 12th, 2012. No one really knows for sure of the exact date. (Hashtag great source-checking journalism, America) This death came either shortly before or shortly after Manti Te’o’s grandmother passed away as well. Again, no one knows for sure. The news of these two deaths of people who were so close to Manti produced a story that even Hollywood couldn’t write. Mainly because lately, the only movies Hollywood can “write” are sequels or remakes.
A little over a week later, Manti made the decision to skip Lennay’s “funeral” to play in the Michigan game… but in her honor, of course. Had he not played in her honor, she probably would have come back from the dead, haunted him, and never allowed him to hear the end of it, because that’s how girlfriends, and more in particularly ghost girlfriends are.
“So… I heard that you didn’t play in my honor. Why the ef did you NOT play in my honor? I mean, the LEAST you could’ve done was play in my honor. Like, I effing died, and you didn’t even go to my funeral. I mean, I really don’t care. Seriously. I told you before that if I ever died during football season, I’d want you to skip my funeral to play in your game. Remember? I’m low maintenance. But never in a million years did I think you actually would. And then you did, and then didn’t even play in my HONOR?! What the ef? Seriously, what the ef?! When Jackie died, her boyfriend not only attended her funeral, he played the game that week in her honor too! I talked to her, and she thinks I should break up with you. I told her I’d think about it. You hear that, Manti? I told her I’d think about it.”
Ghost chicks… amirite?
Manti went on to play the rest of the season, and shortly after it ended, he learned that his dead girlfriend wasn’t really dead. He then struggled in the BCS National Championship against Alabama. He played bad. We’re talking M. Night Shyamalan movie bad. Like you thought it was going to be pretty good, but then when you watched it you were like, “Yeesh… That was worse than I expected.”
However, you can’t fault Manti for his poor performance in that game. If you had an ex-girlfriend, whose funeral you missed to go to a football game, that called you to tell you she’s still alive, you’d be freaking out too. How do you explain that? “Babe, I’m sorry I skipped your funeral to go to a football game. I never thought you’d find out!” Trust me, women ALWAYS find out. Whether they’re alive or not. So Manti was understandably flustered during the national title game.
In fact, my last zombie girlfriend wouldn’t stop haunting (read: nagging) me, and I really couldn’t get any work done, so I know how Manti feels. I bet immediately after that BCS National Championship, there was one pissed Lennay Kekua waiting online to cyber bully the crap out of Manti.
Previous Korksman of the Year Winners
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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff
Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats
