Expanding Faster Than the Universe

The NCAA appears to be positioning itself to expand the NCAA Tournament to 96 teams because, you know, the old system has just been so mediocre.

What this really means is that, soon enough, every tenured journalist out there with a sports column is going to share his or her bloated opinion on why this is a magical or miserable move.

Overall, I’m fairly opinion-less on this issue. Of course I love the Tournament as it is, but I don’t know how anyone can predict, with certainty, exactly what effect adding 32 teams to the Tourney would have.

So, instead of trying to predict how things will play out once the inevitable expansion happens, I’m going to predict what a few sports blowhards out there are going to say.

Full disclosure: this is all a joke, and meant to be fun. So you can, you know, feel free to not take any of it seriously. I hope you can find the absurdity in predicting what people will predict about a hypothetical situation.

Rick Reilly, ESPN.com: “Expansion? Someone explain this to me. After this year, the NCAA Tournament is hotter than a wing dipped Buffalo Wild Wings’ Blazin sauce after spending 48 consecutive hours hanging out in an Egyptian Desert with Natalie Portman. So I’m more confused than a Bulgarian woman trying to sell kebabs to Miley Cyrus.”

Jason Whitlock, Kansas City Star: “Leave it to the NCAA to muff something like the NCAA Tournament up. Funny Sweater Man- that’s my impulsive nickname for NCAA executive Greg Shaheen- is cooking all of this up to keep black athletes out of class. Typical. Expand the tournament, keep the brothers out of class, then allow fewer black athletes to graduate. Sounds about right, Funny Sweater Man.”

Bill Simmons, ESPN.com: “Think of it like this: your girlfriend is hot. She’s smoking hot. But you only get to sleep with her one month each year. Now you tell me who argues being able to enjoy her for a few more days each year? It’d be like Rocky refusing another sequel.”

Steven A. Smith, Philadelphia Enquirer: “WELL QUITE FRANKLY, I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT GREG SHAHEEN AND HIS CRONIES IN THE NCAA OFFICES PROPOSE. AT THE END OF THE DAY, THEY WILL COME TO THEIR SENSES AND REALIZE THAT, ASIDE FROM ME, THE NCAA TOURNAMENT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT SPORTS, AND IT IS TOO PURE TO TAMPER WITH.”

AJ Daulerio, Deadspin.com: No response.

Photo credit: cubiclegm.com